Snapshot of Where I Am

Song of the Moment: Obsession by David Crowder Band

I was supposed to write so much this long weekend, but unfortunately, I was caught up doing a myriad of things. Waking up to sunrise and braving the morning markets. Lunch with Friends. Mingling with the in-laws. Date with the Loved One. Dinner with Family. Day trip to Tagaytay with Best Friends. Etc. Etc. It was quite the jam packed weekend after all.

Now that the dust has finally settled and I’m back embracing the workweek, I look back at the weekend that was with a grateful smile. It was an awesome weekend. Simple and splendid. It was a snapshot of who I have become. It was a blow-by-blow confirmation of the things that matter to me. It was a celebration of my life.

Some things in life never change after all. There are bits and pieces of the past that I still hold on to and make me a stronger person. In the same way, there are many things I have outgrown and consider as part of my old self... not buried, but engraved in memory. I realized that my life is not as boring and mundane as it seems after all. I’ve experienced so much and I’ve learned and lived out as expected. I am proud of who I’ve become --- never perfect, but nonetheless, happy.

First, I have a remarkable set of friends whom I’ve shared plates and plates of food with. They are a diverse bunch with strong principles, powerful aura and evolved skills --- I am so proud of them. We had both good and bad times together, lived through the mood swings of adolescence and adulthood. But now, we are exactly the same group of people we imagined ourselves to be when we were naïve kids: “We are still having fun.” I love them to bits and I don’t think that will ever change. They have contributed so much to who I’ve become. They constantly offer a glimpse of the person I was in the past. They always provide the comic relief to my daily grind.

I am in love with a man who loves me with so much abundance and commitment. More and more, I am falling in love with not just him, but the life that he lives --- his family, his friends, his quirks, his obsessions, his passion for life. There was a period in my life when I couldn’t imagine an unbridled love anymore. There were just mistakes after mistakes coupled with sleepless cried out nights. Nothing in my life seemed to have given me even a sliver of motivation to get me back on my feet. But he was patient and kind… well, he still is. He would ask me, “Are we doing enough to keep the flame alive?” Oh, but we’re not even measuring our efforts and it just feels right! I love him with a joyful certainty. I love him with a conceited confidence that proclaims: "Nothing can every weather our love."

I have become closer to family than I ever was in the past. I probably spend the most time with my parents, and I’ve become more dynamic in putting out a little effort for my family. Clearly, I am not as successful as my sisters career-wise (contrary to expectations perhaps), but I am valuable to the people around me. That is enough for now. I learned to look at my family from a different angle --- with more humanity than ever. I learned to appreciate the invisible chain that binds us together, in spite of the time zone differences. I learned to value their presence in my life and listen to their aspirations too, not just mine.

Finally, I am in love with myself. I’ve never been in a more non-punishing state than this. Running those 30 minutes on the treadmill is no longer about losing that unsightly flab, but about developing a good blood circulation. Sleeping 6-8 hours is no longer a lazy man’s indulgence, but an active person’s reward. Choosing to quiet down at night over exposing myself to smoke and alcohol has become a disciplined exercise of regaining focus. And finally, saying no to other people’s greed and insensitivity is no longer abrasion but "just anger." I’ve put myself on mute for the longest time, and now I’m slowly discovering the knobs to swing me back to full volume. And the more I do so, the more I realize how I turned out pretty okay after all. J

I guess the more birthday candles I blow out, I realize further what success and happiness means to me… and that first and foremost, it means having a wonderful family and good relationships with the people around me. It means waking up slowly and realizing I am alive. It means looking at life with excitement for it. It means being at present and being a present to others. When I was a kid, it seemed so fashionable to be a jaded victim of the world. It used to be cool to fight back because I felt misunderstood. Now, the world just looks better when I began understanding others before I judge them for misunderstanding me. It just feels better to smile more, even if no one’s watching or if there is no reason at all to smile.

Everything just feels right. Even if I don’t proofread this at all. J