Scared.

Song of the Moment: Photograph by Air

This is IT.

I am so scared.

It’s suddenly hitting me that the next few days will make or break a great part of my life. I don’t know what to make of it. It’s going to be one crazy weekend.

Choosing to Age Alone

Song of the Moment: Don’t Look Back in Anger by Oasis

This morning, my mom and my grandfather weren’t at their usual seats for breakfast. I asked my dad where they were, and he told me that my mom accompanied my lolo to the hospital to get a check-up. “Oh okay.” And there was silence --- not the uncomfortable kind, but the kind that only means we’re both thinking of something at the same time, but it would be rude to say it out loud.

This is the nth time my lolo was brought to the hospital. But the truth is, my lolo is not really terminally ill. He’s 87 years old, but he still has sharp hearing. He recently underwent a cataract laser procedure; so technically, his eyesight’s better than either of my parents’. He can still walk around, even go to malls on his own. There’s really nothing wrong with him, physically.

But he is an emotional wreck. And he’s been wanting to die for several years now.

I’m not privy to a lot of details in his life. In fact, I’m only discovering major things about him lately. Like the fact that he never got married, by choice, but fathered several children nonetheless. Or the fact that he would leave the house to wander about, and come home whenever he wants to. Or the fact that he cohabited with a widow and her son, but still expected one of his daughters to support his new lifestyle, his “new family.” After hearing about all this in my adulthood, quite frankly, I feel a certain sense of ingratitude and detestation for all these poor decisions he made --- that all these selfish choices probably left a lasting impact on how my mom suffered in her life. But a part of me also feels pity, because it is likely that his fatalist attitude is an effect of deep-seated REGRET. He is after all genuinely a good man… but it just so happened that his goodness was tainted with indifference, selfishness and low self-esteem.

I know he suffers. And lately, it’s no longer about suffering silently, but a rather boisterous anguish, if you may. So much is his display of despair, that he has been labeled a nuisance to the family. Every time, he cries out “Bring me to the hospital, I’m not feeling well” or “I am about to die” at the wee hours of the morning, we all know he’s not really dying physically. As such, most of my relatives, who are caught up with the daily toil of their lives, have stopped responding to his “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” mood swings. Why is he doing this? Could he be tormented by his regrets? Could he be carrying the pain of not being able to forgive himself? I’m not exactly sure. My theory is, he has become so intent on giving up on life that death is the switch to instant bliss. It appears as if he wants to let go of any possibility to make the most out of this life. He doesn’t see any purpose in turning around something so deeply flawed.

My dad has been urging him to stay positive --- to look at the world and admire the beauty of trees, flowers, technology. He has even encouraged him to go and offer service to the church, just so he can still find something in his life worth living for. His only retort is, “How can I appreciate life if I am no longer healthy?” Or “I have nobody left to turn to in my life.” Sigh. It’s really more difficult to talk to someone who’s not willing to listen.

My grandfather is choosing to age alone, even if he insists that the world has turned its back ON him. He insists that his sons and daughters have abandoned him entirely, whereas they are just really living their own lives as to be expected. He believes that his health is failing him, even if his body is still in tip-top shape. It’s a pity that he has let his mind trick him into being much incapacitated than he really is. It’s a pity that he only sees his suffering amidst the problems of the world. I hope that he will learn to look at the world in Technicolor again. I hope he will start choosing to engage with life. And for the rest of us, I hope we’ll always choose to age with the world and not without it.

Manila, Queen of the Pacific 1938

Song of the Moment: Bayan Ko by Jose Llana

I wish I could see a Manila like this in my lifetime. Sigh sigh sigh.

How Do I Know He Loves Me?

Song of the Moment: That’s How You Know by Amy Adams

Today, I got several calls from my E at the last hour of the workday. We called each other on expensive mobile phone rates three times in less than an hour. It wasn’t because there was an emergency that required constant coordination. It was simply because we were in love… and we were also the best of friends.

E was going to be out with the boys, while I was going to go running tonight. We were really supposed to be doing our own things, but… yeah. We just had to have a semblance of each other’s presence. The first call was to rave about how great our days were. I finally won over an internal sales argument against people more “senior” than I was, and he just met with the Board of X-company in the prospect of buying the X-company soon. The second call was to rave about a new gadget sale I discovered online, and to listen to him munching down on his McDo meal. The third call was to caution me that he was going to watch The Happening again, and that he loved me in case he does not survive the post-film trauma. He also wanted to tell me about a weird encounter with fate.

Anyway, rewind back to my recent trip in Boracay, I remember my single friends questioning R and I for reporting to our boyfriends every time something significant happened. We were asked if we felt trapped, constrained and basically choked by this whole reporting system. R and I just shrugged and said, “No, it doesn’t feel like we’re being restrained at all.” I actually believe that, contrary to what the jaded heart might say, being with someone you oh-so-utterly love is very liberating. You’ll feel a great sense of freedom when you’re with the right one. So what if you could have just waited for him to tell you about the good day at work when he gets home? So what if you were just itching to share how heavenly delicious the Chimichangas are at Mañana in Boracay? Nothing seems to be too mundane to be shared with a loved one.

So here we are. A list of things that will only make sense to a person in love, but will seem so ridiculous to someone who isn’t:

1. Your excitement over something will only be fully satisfied when you’ve shared it with him, whether it’s closing a new deal or noticing how unusually huge the full moon is.
2. You don’t feel obliged to report about your day to him… but you just do anyway cuz it’s fun to do.
3. You can eat just about anything, in any way you want, and still look beautiful in his eyes with your greasy fingers.
4. You can cry in silence, in his arms, and that’s all the comforting you’ll ever need.
5. You bitch about looking bad in a bikini, and he pinches your love handles and says, “I love you too!”
6. You let him talk about all his guy stuff and actually start getting interested in how awesome the Penalty Shoot-out was during the last Chelsea vs. Man Utd game.
7. You randomly send each other links to articles on the web that caught your interest.
8. You laugh about so many things together. You just keep laughing until that “long hard day stigma” disappears into thin air.
9. You can sit him down to talk about what you’ll do with your future together… and you’ll get more than quiet nods, such stuff like distinct plans on how to get there.
10. You get extra kisses and hugs (plus a new tube of Airborne) when you’re sick, even if it means risking he’ll catch the flu too.
11. You linger inside the car before entering the house because it’s difficult to say goodbye, even if you spent the entire day together.

Eeeeeewwww… cheese. *shrug* Admit it. You want to be foolishly in love too. J

P.S. As expected, today was a day of triumph. Hehehe. See? My speculations yesterday were correct.

A Day of Defeat, A Day of Triumph

Song of the Moment: On Your Shore by Charlotte Martin

In the middle of a not-so-busy day, I decided to quiet down and just throw to the wind whatever it is that’s going to flow out of my unconscious being.

Today was another day of defeat. I keep telling myself that I should get used to these things already. See, I have this tendency of categorizing a day according to whether or not it’s a day of defeat or a day of triumph. But that’s pretty much what it is: 24 hours of this or that. If there’s anything that I’ve learned much from my experiences the past years, it’s the fact that triumph is just as fleeting as defeat. You can’t expect the road to be all rosy and bright throughout the entire trip; similarly, you shouldn’t worry too much that the entire trip will be chaotic. And sadly, that’s probably one of my biggest ineptitudes: I get so fixated with getting things running smoothly all the time, no matter what happens. On the contrary, it rarely does. And guess what? It’s okay. That’s just what it is, people. We just have to deal with it. We just have to ride with the wave of what’s happening in our lives.

Today was another day lost. But maybe it’s because I had a day of triumph yesterday? I haven’t really figured out what my schedule will be like tomorrow, but I’m crossing my fingers, hoping it’s going to be another day of triumph. From there, counting on the 50/50 probability of how things will be on a Monday, Saturday will be a day of triumph… which is worth it, because I have more time for myself. Oh goody.

But yeah. For now, this Monday’s all I have. I don’t have the best feeling in the world, but at least I can look forward to a Saturday. It’s definitely worth lugging through a week for. And now that we’re talking about it, this Monday and all the other Mondays in my life is worth going through in view of all those beautiful Saturdays.

Random Thoughts for Today

Song of the Moment: Winter Pageant by Aromabar

These are random thoughts I picked up from all over the internet. Some will make you go Aaaaaahh.. J

1. You will only see shadows in a sunny day. You will only see the stars in the darkest night sky.
2. Temper is usually what gets us into trouble. And Pride keeps us there.
3. Time spent trying to get even are better spent in getting ahead.
4. He who thinks he has no fault, has one.
5. The world is composed of givers and takers. The Takers will eat better but the Givers will sleep better.
6. Do not try to say all you know, because in attempting it, you will often say more than you know.
7. We do not need magic to transform the world…. Just imagination.
8. Stay hungry, stay foolish.
9. There is no better measure of a person than what he does when he is absolutely free to choose.
10. In today’s age when everything is so interconnected and open, underachievers are not born, but more likely made.
11. Mistakes are likely more to be made by those who don’t know what they’re doing, and also by those who know too much.

Note: Kudos to Reflections of a BizDrivenLife for the words of wisdom.

Snapshot of Where I Am

Song of the Moment: Obsession by David Crowder Band

I was supposed to write so much this long weekend, but unfortunately, I was caught up doing a myriad of things. Waking up to sunrise and braving the morning markets. Lunch with Friends. Mingling with the in-laws. Date with the Loved One. Dinner with Family. Day trip to Tagaytay with Best Friends. Etc. Etc. It was quite the jam packed weekend after all.

Now that the dust has finally settled and I’m back embracing the workweek, I look back at the weekend that was with a grateful smile. It was an awesome weekend. Simple and splendid. It was a snapshot of who I have become. It was a blow-by-blow confirmation of the things that matter to me. It was a celebration of my life.

Some things in life never change after all. There are bits and pieces of the past that I still hold on to and make me a stronger person. In the same way, there are many things I have outgrown and consider as part of my old self... not buried, but engraved in memory. I realized that my life is not as boring and mundane as it seems after all. I’ve experienced so much and I’ve learned and lived out as expected. I am proud of who I’ve become --- never perfect, but nonetheless, happy.

First, I have a remarkable set of friends whom I’ve shared plates and plates of food with. They are a diverse bunch with strong principles, powerful aura and evolved skills --- I am so proud of them. We had both good and bad times together, lived through the mood swings of adolescence and adulthood. But now, we are exactly the same group of people we imagined ourselves to be when we were naïve kids: “We are still having fun.” I love them to bits and I don’t think that will ever change. They have contributed so much to who I’ve become. They constantly offer a glimpse of the person I was in the past. They always provide the comic relief to my daily grind.

I am in love with a man who loves me with so much abundance and commitment. More and more, I am falling in love with not just him, but the life that he lives --- his family, his friends, his quirks, his obsessions, his passion for life. There was a period in my life when I couldn’t imagine an unbridled love anymore. There were just mistakes after mistakes coupled with sleepless cried out nights. Nothing in my life seemed to have given me even a sliver of motivation to get me back on my feet. But he was patient and kind… well, he still is. He would ask me, “Are we doing enough to keep the flame alive?” Oh, but we’re not even measuring our efforts and it just feels right! I love him with a joyful certainty. I love him with a conceited confidence that proclaims: "Nothing can every weather our love."

I have become closer to family than I ever was in the past. I probably spend the most time with my parents, and I’ve become more dynamic in putting out a little effort for my family. Clearly, I am not as successful as my sisters career-wise (contrary to expectations perhaps), but I am valuable to the people around me. That is enough for now. I learned to look at my family from a different angle --- with more humanity than ever. I learned to appreciate the invisible chain that binds us together, in spite of the time zone differences. I learned to value their presence in my life and listen to their aspirations too, not just mine.

Finally, I am in love with myself. I’ve never been in a more non-punishing state than this. Running those 30 minutes on the treadmill is no longer about losing that unsightly flab, but about developing a good blood circulation. Sleeping 6-8 hours is no longer a lazy man’s indulgence, but an active person’s reward. Choosing to quiet down at night over exposing myself to smoke and alcohol has become a disciplined exercise of regaining focus. And finally, saying no to other people’s greed and insensitivity is no longer abrasion but "just anger." I’ve put myself on mute for the longest time, and now I’m slowly discovering the knobs to swing me back to full volume. And the more I do so, the more I realize how I turned out pretty okay after all. J

I guess the more birthday candles I blow out, I realize further what success and happiness means to me… and that first and foremost, it means having a wonderful family and good relationships with the people around me. It means waking up slowly and realizing I am alive. It means looking at life with excitement for it. It means being at present and being a present to others. When I was a kid, it seemed so fashionable to be a jaded victim of the world. It used to be cool to fight back because I felt misunderstood. Now, the world just looks better when I began understanding others before I judge them for misunderstanding me. It just feels better to smile more, even if no one’s watching or if there is no reason at all to smile.

Everything just feels right. Even if I don’t proofread this at all. J

10 Random Things: Analyzed

Song of the Moment: Break Anotha by Blake Lewis

I have encountered one too many SPLOG entries like this. (I coined SPLOG to stand for SPAM + BLOG, up to you if you want to consider me an authority for linguistics. Hehe.) I can cite several theories on why people participate in this chain letter of an entry:

• The blogger is running out of topics to write about on her blog.
• The blogger wants to reveal an "interesting" facet of her identity --- something a bit scandalous, a bit out-of-the-ordinary, a bit strange --- to gain a curious following or generate buzz for conversation.
• The blogger has too much time on her hands.
• The blogger is indebted to the tagger.
• The blogger wants to gain brownie points from the tagger.
• The blogger is trying to advocate a culture of individuality by promoting the "personal selling" of one's unique qualities, towards the grand vision of an unabashed diverse world.

Anyway, whatever it is, two or three of the reasons up there are my reasons for responding to my friend Faith's tag. So, here is my list of random things (after that long introduction):

Tagged by Faith J

1. Each blogger starts with 10 random facts/habits about themselves.
2. Bloggers who are tagged need to blog about their own 10 random facts/habits.
3. At the end of your blog, tag 10 people and list their names.
4. Don't forget to leave them a comment and tell them that they've been taggged and to read your blog. (Uhm... No thanks!)

======

10 Random Things:

1. Books and expensive food are my common luxury expenses that I pay for by impulse. I hesitate less when splurging on a new book (I love the smell of new books!) and a plate of high caliber, exquisite food.
   
2. I am crazy in love with a man who reminds me so much of my father. Uh oh. Hehehe. J
   
3. I am online 15-17 hours a day, 7 days a week. If you don’t see me on your YM list, either you got the wrong YM ID (I recently changed it due to a hack problem!) OR I don’t want to talk to you.
   
4. I love solving puzzles on my iPhone. I have to finish at least one game of Solitaire before I sleep. I finished Cubic Man and Parking Lot in less than a week. J
   
5. I bring my laptop everywhere. And I mean, everywhere.
   
6. I laugh by myself while watching How I Met Your Mother. I’ve only started laughing by myself --- without agenda or concern --- very recently.
   
7. I randomly subscribe to RSS feeds. If I like one of your entries, I’ll subscribe to your feed and have your precious blog updates fed into my Outlook every morning. Gotta love technology!
   
8. I absolutely love to drive! I drive to clear my head, listen to good music, think about life, etc. Favorite strip of road to drive through: the newly opened SCT Highway! Favorite song on the road (for now): Young Folks by Peter Bjorn and John.
   
9. I meticulously jot down all my daily expenses, and religiously maintain a personal cash flow report, with bank reconciliation every end of month. I can give you an exact figure of my net worth at any given time.
   
10. I am afraid of fire… specifically, people on fire. When I was a kid, I witnessed a man being engulfed into flames. Not cool.

If you can relate to any of my reasons for continuing the chain of SPLOGS (as listed above), I'm tagging YOU!

The Gossip Behind Gossip Girl

Song of the Moment: Young Folks by Peter Bjorn and John

All my friends know that I’ve become a sucker for Gossip Girl. So I’ll keep this a short post and let the picture speak for itself.

Source: New York Magazine

Oh and I just have to quote my New Yorker sister, who’s just as much of a GG addict as I am, but knows a few goofs in the series:

“I have to say though that their interpretation of the "Upper east siders" is very extreme (Seriously? How can a 17 year old get away with martinis and cosmos in this town?), and the distance between Brooklyn (where Dan Humphrey, the supposed "poor" guy who studies at St. Jude's and lives in a fancy loft possibly worth at least $1MM!) and UES is not 10 minutes y'all! It's about an hour by train if you live on 93rd and 5th! Plus, the Plaza Hotel (where the Van Der Woodsens live) is not in UES! It's in Midtown, duh! I walk by it all the time! Sorry, I can go on and on about this -- but I still love 'em, nonetheless.”

Love it!

Free WiFi Spots in Manila (and Beyond)

Song for the Moment: Jump on Foot by Holiday for Strings

I am really such a nice person. I mean, I think I was built to be in service or something. Hahaha. J

I came across a thread on philmug that asked for a list of all known free WiFi spots in Manila and beyond. There were a lot of helpful leads there, but it was difficult to follow because they were listed by different people from different areas. So being the ever-helpful and wifi-crazy person that I am, I decided to painstakingly collate and categorize all their leads according to areas.

Here’s the result. (I suggest you download this table from here and have it printed out. It’ll be very helpful!)

ALL BRANCHES
Establishment	Area
Chili's	All Branches
Fish & Co.	All Branches
Itallianni's	All Branches
TGIF	All Branches

ALABANG
Establishment	Area
Total Gas Station	Alabang Hills
Burger King	Alabang Town Center
San Francisco Coffee	BMW Bldg, Commerce Avenue
Swiss Inn	BMW Bldg, Commerce Avenue
Starbucks	Madrigal Avenue

BAGUIO
Establishment	Area
Zola Resto	Session Road

CAINTA
Establishment	Area
Petron Gas Station	Kisad Road Cor. Marcos Highway
Burger King	Marcos Highway
Goodah!	Marcos Highway
Mocha Blends @ Shell Gas Station	Marcos Highway

DAVAO – Most Hotels in Davao offer Free WiFi!
Establishment	Area
Hotel Lobby	Royal Mandaya Hotel

FORT BONIFACIO, TAGUIG CITY
Establishment	Area
Krispy Kreme	Bonifacio High Street
Seattle's Best	Bonifacio High Street
Po Lo Kai	Serendra
Bonifacio Technology Center	The Fort
Fuccini	The Fort
Pasto	The Fort
Pier One	The Fort

LAGUNA
Establishment	Area
Burger King	Calamba

LAS PIÑAS
Establishment	Area
Lifestyle Café	SM Southmall

MAGALLANES
Establishment	Area
Shell Gas Station	Magallanes

MAKATI
Establishment	Area
Starbucks	6750 Ayala Avenue
Robinson's Summit Bldg.	Ayala Avenue
Petron Gas Station	Bel Aire
Starbucks	China Bank Head Office, Paseo de Roxas Avenue
Petron Gas Station	Dasmariñas Village
Tang's / Tang City	Glorietta 3
Burger King	Glorietta 4
Bubba Gump	Greenbelt 3
CCW	Guijo Street
Pizza Hut	Insular Life Bldg., Ayala Avenue
Starbucks	Insular Life Bldg., Ayala Avenue
Joey Pepperoni	Leviste St., Salcedo
Hotel Lobby	Peninsula Manila
43F Yuchengco Tower	RCBC Plaza
Old Swiss Inn	Somerset Olympia Building
San Francisco Coffee	Somerset Olympia Building
Starbucks	VA Rufino Street cor. Valero Street
Philam Care Clinic

MANDALUYONG
Establishment	Area
The Legend Villas	Pioneer Street
Mallwide	Podium Mall
Mallwide	Robinson's Pioneer
Gloria Jeans	SM Megamall
Hawaiian BBQ	SM Megamall

MANILA
Establishment	Area
Baang Coffee	Mall of Asia
CW	Mall of Asia
ABAS	Malvar cor. Nakpil Streets, Malate
Taste Buds	Robinson's Place Ermita
Cerealicious	Sherwood's Place, Taft
Arellano University School of Law	Taft Avenue
Café Molinari	Vito Cruz Street
McDonald's	Vito Cruz Street (near DLSU)

MARIKINA
Establishment	Area
Rapide Car Service	A. Tuazon Street

NLEX
Establishment	Area
Petron Gas Station	NLEX, Between San Fernando & Angeles Exit

PAMPANGA
Establishment	Area
Burger King	SM Pampanga
Partyplace	SM Pampanga

PASIG CITY
Establishment	Area
Pier One	Ortigas Home Depot
SpeedyFix	Shaw Boulevard

QUEZON CITY
Establishment	Area
UP Institute for Small-Scale Industries	Diliman
Pancake House	E. Rodriguez Sr. Boulevard
Shakey's	E. Rodriguez Sr. Boulevard
Burger King	E. Rodriguez Sr. Boulevard
McDonald's	Eastwood City
Starbucks	Fairview (Near FEU Fairview Campus)
Mallwide	Gateway
Burger King	Mall of Asia
St. Peter Funeral	Quezon Avenue
Mallwide	Robinson's Galleria
Mallwide	Robinson's Metro East
Cafea Rest	Sgt. Esguerra Street (near ABS-CBN)
Burger King	SM Fairview
Brewing Point	Tierra Pura
Baang Coffee	Tomas Morato Avenue
CBTL	Tomas Morato Avenue
Gruppo Barbero	Tomas Morato Avenue
I Have Two Eggs	Tomas Morato Avenue
Kozui Green Tea	Tomas Morato Avenue
Pier One	Tomas Morato Avenue
Burger King	Tomas Morato Avenue
Jollibee	TriNoMa
McDonald's	TriNoMa
Krispy Kreme	TriNoMa

SAN JUAN
Establishment	Area
Waco's Café	Broadway Centrum
Jollibee	In front of V-Mall, Greenhills
Krispy Kreme	Greenhills
Theater Mall Food Center	Greenhills

SUCAT, PARAÑAQUE
Establishment	Area
Total Gas Station	Sucat Avenue

DISCLAIMER: I just collated EVERYTHING and put it on a sorted file. These are leads mentioned by people from the forum, and I cannot guarantee that all of them do have free WiFi. Nonetheless, it won’t hurt to ask the establishment’s manager. Sometimes, the WiFi access is free-for-all. But more often than not, these establishments have a secured network that requires a password request from the manager.