the reading marathon

Today, I am in the mood for a reading marathon. [as if I'm no speed reader already.]

Whilst the family's away in separate engagements, I decided to stay home until around 3PM to accomplish a massive load of holiday homework. Right now, imagine it if you may, I am reading and producing a summary/book report for a 198-page book called Getting to Yes, while surfing for information on the 6th WTO Ministerial Conference which happens to have a 44-page Ministerial Declaration and an 88-page Briefing Notes document. But it doesn't end there, I will be reading Sun Tzu's Art of War afterwards (online condensed version, I don't even want to count the number of pages!) and again, transform it into another book report.

Again, all these things hopefully 50% accomplished before 3PM. By then I will shut down this psychotic, workaholic drive and reward myself with good company on an early new year escapade. Off with Apple and Ogge and hopefully other people to frolic around at The Esplanade, to watch the 40-minute spectacle that is the World Pyro Olympics, while being serenaded by Orange and Lemons.

Aaahh. Yes. Balance of work and play. c",) <-- I miss this 'special' smiley!

PS: Normally, people write blog entries at the end of the day. And here I am, pre-empting the events of the day instead? Hehehe.

the most christmas-sy feeling in years

this year, I spent the least amount of money for Christmas presents. and yet it still makes a lot of sense to say that this year, to me, rendered the most christmas-sy feeling in years. =)

first, i finally afforded a special Christmas wish after completing the 9-day Simbang Gabi novena -- my first time to ever accomplish so. It helped perhaps to have someone with you toiling through the early morning sacrifice. Or it helped to have the option to hear anticipated mass in the evening. But nevertheless, it's quite a refreshing (and rather liberating) feeling, indeed. When it came down to the last mass and I had that "special wish" at hand, I had no second thoughts in offering it for someone else's welfare. ( you know who you are, I pray for that 99% every day, hon!) And you know what, it actually felt good --- this is no other than the Christmas spirit finally seeping through my heart.

this year's Christmas season also ushered in the most opportunities to be with my family and loved ones. yes, we're finally complete (ate pam's home!) and are graced with the presence of additional "special guests" around the house! (welcome, TJ, David, Sam and Sir Kent!) But as if the presence is not enough, the crazy surprises our family got into really made sense out of the entire Christmas season; this is after all a season of joy, now made more felt as a season of uncontrollable laughter. The exchange gift agreement (supposedly instead of giving gifts to all the members of the family) was a reminder to me once again that the most valuable things in life need not be tagged with extravagant price tags. it was quite tough to limit gifts for special people at a meager P100 per gift, but I personally felt it made the Christmas gift-giving more meaningful. it was a return to what matters most in life, and a nudge to say that love cannot be measured by money. And of course, I really had a blast with the family's spectacular noche buena --- made star-studded in the presence of movie stars such as Gollum, Queen Amidala, King Kong, Batman, Darth Vader, Shrek and the Little Mermaid. Halloween truly came in a little late in our family as we all did away with our inhibitions to arrive to the dinner table dressed in the most absurd (and rather challenging) costumes. fyi, i dressed as gollum and carried a smelly fish throughout the night.. go figure!

finally, this year, I felt a lot of warmth in the company of good friends --- old and new. i felt it important to make a connection with the people i hold dear, and that meant really making an effort to reach out to them. i felt love hovering over my body and spirit; but more importantly, i was holding forgiveness back and finally letting it burst out. this season is the most Christmas-sy it could get because the generosity of the self liberated me sufficiently, ready now to face a new year.

I have nothing else to say but i love you...and you and you.. you who have touched my life in a very special way.

missing you

absence makes the heart grow fonder... in my case, absence leads me to philosophizing. no need to discuss that though.

sigh. barely four hours since we parted ways, and I'm missing you already. Stay safe. Come home soon. I'll be right here waiting.

the honeymoon stage

Barely two months into the relationship, and it all seems so ethereal. I catch myself often, trying to cushion the future by saying miguel and I are in a honeymoon stage -- a stage of romanticism so to speak --- just to somehow condition myself in the unfortunate event of a more settled in and rather detached arrangement in the future.

But as each day spent with him passes, I ask, "who am I kidding?" To pre-empt these things is unfair to that mysterious thing called love. Perhaps it comes with trauma or personal defense mechanisms. But, really, why the need to make assumptions so early on in the game? After all, I am enjoying every minute of the present, and are harboring no regrets. For all we know, this honeymoon stage might turn out to be more than a stage but a constant state of mind. [Secretly hoping it does.. wait, not so secret anymore! Hehe.]

Extremely optimistic and warm and fuzzy right now, while listening to Sugarfree's Makita Kang Muli. Beautiful, life is. :)

easy listening

thank you, enzo, for the music. (and i sound like abba.)

porcelain / sunrise, paramita
you with the marble eyes
fragile with porcelain bones
you look at the stars and you wonder why
are you as hungry as i?
(yesterday's news but still new to me)

i can't see me
or someone i used to be
i can't see you now
or someone who used to be you
are you someone new?
are you someone i used to know?
have you been there before?
have you seen me before?

when was the last time you cried
i think it was centuries ago
a stake through the heart
and sunrise will keep you away

death becomes him

Today, I went to Holy Gardens Cemetery in Antipolo with Migs and Veej to visit Delro, their sophomore HS classmate who left this world at the tender age of 15 years. That fateful day was April 11, 1999; it was an alleged suicide more than 7 years ago.

We positioned the flowers on the stone. And silence fell among the three of us.

For a time, Migs and I were just quietly standing beside his tombstone, while Veej was generously cleaning his space. Migs was taking memento pictures here and there, while Veej would mutter about how inconsiderate the cemetery administration was for allowing tractors to pass by the tombs. Throughout that time, I could feel the chill of nostalgia, mixed with the warmth of eternal friendship.

Migs and Veej started sharing stories about the person that was Paolo Del Rosario, fondly called "Delro." This dude broke so many girls' hearts, started the "Raw is War" tradition, was part of the contingent who destroyed a VCD player in one of those "playing hooky" days and so many more. And I said to myself, here were two friends, with unspeakable and honorable loyalty, visiting an old friend with such tenderness and faithfulness that transcends mortal life. I could not help but feel overpoweringness amidst them.

Sometimes, it is so convenient for people facing a difficult reality to forget. To shut out the noise of the truth. But to me, the ultimate manifestation of inner strength and love is to face and accept and bow down to the reality that is called life --- including everything that goes with it --- while remaining sincere and loyal a year or seven years or decades henceforth.

I don't think I have ever seen loyalty among friends as strong as what I witnessed today.

sabi ni madam friendster

The Bottom Line: Your creativity has been neglected lately. Immerse yourself in art, color and song.

Sure, you're all over the map right now, what with work, socializing, errand-running and, in all likelihood, some rather interesting romantic developments. Losing your head would be one response, and so would getting so stressed out that you can't enjoy the good elements of this busy season. Luckily your powers of communication are amped up, letting you vent in ways that keep those around you both intrigued and amused.

So Madam Friendster, are you an unspoken stalker? Come on, admit it. :)

I had barely two hours of light sleep, and yet I am up and about this morning. Now, when I go out for a late-night dinner tonight, kawawa ang ka-date ko. I might just pass out. Hehe.

a word on being productive

I don't think there's such a thing as being productive on a mediocre level... it's either you're productive, or you're not. No room for grey areas.

I noticed my level of productivity shot up the past week, by the sheer necessity of it. LS172 Book Report, LS170 WAC, Mkt175 Debate Position Paper, LS127 Sales, Sanggu Meetings, OEVP Meetings, UCSC Meetings. Oh, and I am a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a friend. The list goes on.

What actually makes things more interesting is that I get so pressured and yet end up accomplishing other peripheral tasks too, in order to prevent the drive/itch/ADHD-tension from settling. So what if I get home at night all tired (and barking like a dog because of stress-induced cough)? So what if I crave to go out but just choose not to because there's so much work to be done? So what if I have been glued to the pc that I'm in danger of having impaired eyesight? So little time, and so many things to do!

In contrast, I find my productivity at such low levels when, well, there's so much time to spare. This must be psychological withdrawal from the "when it rains, it pours" kind of workload... or something like that. In any case, the irony simply amazes me.

Oh, the sense of accomplishment feels good! But while everything is happening all at the same time, guess who is bordering insanity? Buti na lang may remedies. Thank you Lord for warm hugs and kisses and fluffy banana pancakes!

So it's really either you're excessively I-wanna-do-this-now-NOW! or nah-to-hell-with-work. Tonight, I'm a now-now-NOW! person. I better get back to my addiction. Hehe.

PS: Oh Christmas is near. It pays to do Christmas shopping early (like October-ish). Mahusay.

for the love of photographs

...and the photographer, of course. =)

Because I'm a lover of memory, I fell in love with one who immortalizes memories. Hehehe. Weak logic, yes. But in truth, it's so much more than that. Here's to hoping that even as the pictures lose their luster, the bright smiles and the shimmer of promise will remain.

being "just friends"

A passing remark is all that's left... a gigantic step back even from a perfect friendship of the yesteryears.

I am satisfied in saying that the past months have been inordinately turbulent --- the most earthshaking moments I have ever experienced to date. But nevertheless I am grateful for those moments that have strengthened such complicated persons that we all are. Those people who constantly ask what is it all about? Now, those who are known as "just friends," in consequence of philosophy and firm judgment.

However, as the tides finally recede, the question remains: What REALLY becomes of friendship? For example, I stepped out of Philosophy class with only that dread of attending yet another Theology class.

And then a Hello doyti! came out of nowhere...
and then there was Uy, hello! How are you?
Ok lang.
And that was it.

The past was just few months back and yet it has become such a faint memory. As a matter of fact, to me, there is no better way than this -- now that happiness and contentment are shared, although shared separately and in other people's company. But then, where will the good old friendship stand?

I used to have this belief that true and loyal friendship speaks of forever, almost as constant and unwavering as the promise of marriage. I know for a fact that I am capable of speaking about and realizing this kind of friendship, without necessarily expecting anything more. I can love a friend without conditions.

But now that I am experiencing the practical side of post-relationship friendship and post-rejection friendship, I realize I have been optimistic for so long. Sometimes, one must break away from the illusion of romanticized friendship. One has to accept that even the most perfect friendships can fade and wither away.

strength, courage, wisdom (india arie)

Inside my head there lives a dream that I want to see in the sun
Behind my eyes there lives a me that I’ve been hiding for much too long
'Cause I’ve been, too afraid to let it show
'Cause I’m scared of the judgment that may follow
Always putting off my living for tomorrow
It’s time to step out on faith, I’ve gotta show my faith
It’s been illusive for so long, but freedom is mine today
I’ve gotta step out on faith, it’s time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found

Chorus:
Strength, courage, and wisdom
And it’s been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me.

Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice
But I’ve been, too afraid to make a choice
'Cause I’m scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop and listen

It’s time to step out on faith, I’ve gotta show my faith
It’s been illusive for so long but freedom is mine today
I’ve gotta step out on faith it’s time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found

Chorus

Bridge:
I close my eyes and I think of all the things that I want to see
'Cause I know, now that I’ve opened up my heart I know that
Anything I want can be, so let it be, so let it be­.

I found it in me, I found it finally
I’m sure to keep it’ cause I like it, I say thank you.

opening credits

I was not always too keen about creating personal blogs. For a time, it was an adamant protest against the act of parading one's life experiences, considering the ironic privacy I have become so comfortable with.

Until today happened in its most informal tragedy, when I was faced with the reality of impending crossroads.

I cannot really explain what brought me here. But I am here, finally being candid and open to the world once more about the vast complications I harbor within me. Perhaps, it comes with age. Or with the need to ventilate. Or with the increasing conceit. Or with nostalgia of personal websites. Or simply with the unexplainable call of moment.

One thing is certain. I suppose this venture is in fact a way to remain grounded with the creative person that have slowly withered away over the years. I will attempt to salvage the literature lover that I am once more. One day at a time.