Loyalty to Myself, Loyalty to Something Greater than Myself

Song of the Moment:  All I Have to Do is Dream by Ben Harper

“My loyalty to my party ends where my loyalty to my country begins.”

No, this won’t be an entry about nationalism. Today, I would like to talk about making choices based on loyalties --- to something bigger than yourself versus what you’ve always wanted for yourself. 

My last entry was simply about being afraid. Well, I obviously was. I feared for the impending weekend that will have the entire family away from the world to talk about who we are and what we’ll do in the context of the family business. At the moment, I’m the only one among the four siblings who’s involved in the family business --- but that does not mean I was fully convinced that I wanted to be in the family business forever. In fact, prior to last weekend, I was a bit arrogant and didn’t want to have to do anything with the family business in the future due to creeping sense of incapacitation in my work. I felt that the company was not a conducive place to grow, because I was given a lot of leeway in my work ethics while not being given a lot of freedom in being an empowered future business owner. It was a steady tug-of-war between both that would render me overtly stretched in the middle, pained and confused and unfulfilled.

But it turns out that the issues I had weren’t the real issues that would make me do a 180 degree turn to the other direction. I needed to unearth my then-inactive loyalty to the family. 

A great chunk of my life was dedicated to planning what I wanted to do. When I was young, it was easier to blurt out BHAGs because reality was too far away from happening and there were no tangible “what ifs” and conditions that could prevent me from saying so. A lot of people will argue, “Hey, you are the master of your life. No conditions can faze you.” But come on, people. It’s easier said than done.  For example, when I was a proud little fifth grader in elementary school, I was already convinced that I will finish Management Engineering in Ateneo with flying colors. Years passed, I had to take the ACET and I was ready to realize my dream. And then.. BAM! I didn’t make the cut. So yeah, one BHAG down, and I just had to make do with what I have (but I did finish my course with a distinction anyway, so it was ok nonetheless). Another example, when I was a kid, I told my parents that I would be the Chairman of the Board of Directors of a chain of hotels. With wide eyes even, I’d say that without restraint and then I’d point to EDSA Shangri-La Hotel as if to prove a point. But now, hmmmm... I am in the business of wooden pallets and low-cost housing, and all I can say is, “Well, pwede na rin.”

The point is, I always wanted to do things that I could take pride in as my own doing. I always wanted to do things ON MY OWN. Who wouldn’t want to be recognized for a successful project? Who wouldn’t want to be called a self-made woman? But on top of that, I wanted the recognition for success fast. I wanted it NOW. I couldn’t wait to be that banking client who can make bank managers tremble with my sizeable bank account. Or that I would be that person people would talk about during the batch reunion, and they’d wonder how I got to where I am so quickly. As such, I’d get so frustrated when I feel like I’m not learning much, structurally-speaking --- that I seem to have taken the wrong detour to being my own person. Hence, I began to hate myself for making so many mistakes, and I felt very mediocre and unproductive. 

But rambling aside, I’ve been short-sighted all this time. I’ve only been wanting things for myself, imagining myself in a position of greatness. It was all me, me, me, without consideration for how the success of the organization I am involved in will ultimately be my success as well. I cannot be successful as a person alone... I have to be successful in the context of an organization that breathes with me. That’s just the way things are. 

As a last note, I’d like to add that what I can consider my success will only make sense on my deathbed if it’s going to be my happiness as well.  But that’s a different blog entry all together.

Okay, time to work for the family business. Nice and slow.

 

PS: I wrote this last 04 July 2008. It's been a while.