Looking Out from My Fishbowl

Song of the Moment: Beautiful Mistake by Better than Ezra

I've been quiet the past weeks when discussions would veer towards the Jun Lozada expose. The expose shocked me as much as most, and the sincerity in his cracking voice moved me to the bone. But I felt that the issue is still in its early stages, and there are a lot of questions yet to be answered, a lot of voices and perspectives to be heard.

I didn't agree with the Valentine demonstration that was staged in Makati last Friday, because I felt that the rally --- clamoring for a PGMA ouster with merits debatable among different sectors in society --- is not strategically powerful enough and came in too early from a much talked about "tipping point" of democratic purging.

However, as I watch the mass at La Salle Greenhills from the comfort of my room, I am left in an emotional torment. I can't quite put my finger on the internal struggle, but I am almost driven to tears while I'm watching right now. Could it be fear of political instability in the coming weeks that grips me right now? Could it be guilt for being seated so comfortably in the safety of my home? Could it be a poignant recollection of a student leader's past I have almost forgotten now that I'm in the workforce?

It was quite timely that I was able to watch ENDO last night. ENDO stands for End of Contract, a term that refers to the end of a contractual worker's temporary employment given the common practice among Philippine businesses of keeping workers for only 5-6 months to evade mandated labor provisions on workers' benefits. ENDO is an indie film that is primarily a love story but indirectly identified the vicious cycle of contractual workers in the Philippines. They know nothing of permanence, and are trained not to expect career growth. They have no other recourse than to abandon dreams of being lifted from poverty.

I am now in the business sector, so close to being a business owner. I have the opportunity to inherit a prosperous company; thus, I may never have the opportunity to experience the suffering of the Filipino in the grassroots. I am blessed, and I thank God for this reality every day. But every now and then, I remember who I was in college, as if it were a distant past. I was a student leader who so passionately pushed for social consciousness and action. Now that the reality of money-making and my personal survival is holding me in ball and chain, I feel my life is not as fulfilling as I want it to be. I have become my worst nightmare, someone who chooses to be so conveniently enclosed in a forcefield that separates me from the scorching poverty of the country. Last night, I felt guilty that I couldn't relate with the characters in ENDO. This morning, I was contemplating on whether or not to go to a mass that celebrates apostles of truth and accountability. Obviously, I stayed home and blogged and reflected.

You see, I found it easier to respond to a call to arms when I was still a student leader. I held a critical position that was expected to deal with bringing in the external to the sheltered corridors of Ateneo (or vice versa). But now that my priorities point toward bringing in more sales for our company, such that I had to take a business trip to VISMIN at the height of the senate hearings, I write this blog entry with reluctance over proclaiming my nationalism. Am I being hypocritical? Am I at fault somewhere?

I wonder if acting on patriotism is even a function of environment and capacity. For example, young professionals can argue that they cannot drop their work functions in order to participate in mass actions. They would have lost their jobs the next day, and that is tantamount to stupidity in a dog-eat-dog world. On the other hand, I also wonder if mass action is the singular way to act on patriotism. Is it the only representation of unity among Filipino citizens that we can display? Is clamoring for our cause in the streets the only way to be heard and the only roadmap towards policy tightening and implementation reforms?

I love my Philippines. I don't think I can choose any other country to commit to with such conviction. I will pay my taxes and treat my employees fairly. I will stay abreast with the social developments in our country. I will continue to provide for the less fortunate children whose education I have started supporting. And I can blog, like this, in an effort to urge other people from my cozy circles to question their lifestyles in the same manner I did... to ask if nationalism is still being pumped into your bloodstream. Perhaps, I can find a way to join the mass for truth and accountability at 6pm in the Church of the Gesu in Ateneo tomorrow night. But for now, I hope I got your attention.