There is this common notion that being unattached translates to being free. That is, if you play your cards right, you can go swimming in the vast oceans in search of your Big Fish. You are as free as a bird to behold the rising and setting of possibilities just behind that majestic mountain. You have the power to scan through the jukebox of your future, hoping you will be able to select the perfect song for that perfect moment.
But when you're broken and you've made mistakes in the past, the reality is the contrary. You were drawn towards the flames before and have suffered burns --- so the fire has become a fearful foe, rather than a source of rejuvenating light. And even the universe insists on this prescribed sense of order. Be wary. You are not ready. You are not entitled to hurt another again.
Hence, I have become untouchable.
But when you're broken and you've made mistakes in the past, the reality is the contrary. You were drawn towards the flames before and have suffered burns --- so the fire has become a fearful foe, rather than a source of rejuvenating light. And even the universe insists on this prescribed sense of order. Be wary. You are not ready. You are not entitled to hurt another again.
Hence, I have become untouchable.
7 comments:
hmm... wala lang...
ganun? :P
ako rin... wala lang. :p
this then is the choice * to open my heart again to pain * or to hide it away * scarred but whole * to wither away until it becomes nothing * but a cipher of my soul
world without end
Let me "open" with...
The Bittern
by Sandra MacPherson
Because I have turned my head for years
in order to see the bittern
I won't mind not finding
what I am looking for
as long as I know it could be there,
the cover is right,
it would be natural.
I loved you for what you had seen
and because you took me to see things,
alpine flowers,
and your heart under your shirt.
The birds that mate for life
we supposed to be happiest,
my green-eyed,
bitter evergreen.
The bough flies back into the night.
I might be driving by a marsh
and suddenly turn my head-
That's not exactly the way you see them, you say.
So I look from the corners of my eyes
as if cheating in school
or overcoming shyness.
In the end I see
nothing
but how I go blindly on loving
a life from which something is missing.
Clouds rushing across the sun,
gold blowing down on the reeds-
nothings like these....
(^namimiss ko na Ateneo library huhuhuhuhu free aircon and things to read)
Just because you're "untouchable" doesn't mean you're out of touch. Wait, no, yes it does. Or does it? That was stupid. Anyway, I believe that, apart from titanically horrendous soul*slash*heart-shattering-and-then-grinding-into-dust-then-scattering-in-the-desert-events, people who "feel," like I believe you are, will always be within the zone of the capability of feeling that "pull" that whomever impresses (tama ba gamit nito) upon you. Now I don't know if untouchable means that "a-person-cannot-affect-you-whichever-way" or if it's "people-shouldn't-'touch'-you-bec-you'll-hurt-them," but regardless, both entail a loss. One of my favorite quotes goes "The world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel." and maybe some things are feeling tragic (aaah see what I did there) to you, but then all is only truly tragic at the very end, and it's not the end yet for you, I think (OR not, the thinking part). As you said, fire can be a guiding light, and fire can also burn, but fire forges too(say it out loud, sounds lousy to the ear, the forges word). So you may make be building this prison (or remote island paradise, I just assumed anyway) for your self-imposed metaphysical isolation, but I 1% guarantee that you won't be able to just qite seal that one corner off (or better yet, there's a door, or a window)
alam mo ika nga sa isang anime, (the best source of "wisdom" coming from talking cats or time travelling anarchistic pigs or 15 year olds tasked to save the world w/o having to go to the bathroom regularly):
"zero gravity what's it like?
am I alone?
is somebody there beyond these heavy aching feet
still the road keeps on telling me to go on
something is pulling me
I feel the gravity of it all"
besides, untouchable? You seem to "touch" a lot of people naman (ata), parang yung globe commercial yan eh, you'll always be connected, it can't be helped, like the Philippine economy, Kris Aquino's love life, or renal keto-acidosis (if there is such a thing). Basta, darating din sa'yo yan. Eventually. Well you better hope. I mean if you think about it though, in general, if you would truly beleive that there is truly someone out there "perfect" or "right" for you, the two of you never meeting wouldn't mean that you weren't ideal for each other, it jst means that it's not as small a world after all. OR not. Parang mali yun ah. Ah basta life goes on, possibility is everywhere. MAke it possible. Just do it. You're fired. Luke, I AM your father. KAtok, mga misis.
syempre mas mahaba pa ng 5.4 times yung reply sa post, patawad. onga pala hope you don't mind the reply nor the ninjablogreading. OR not.
woah. i didn't realize i'd get a lot of reactions to this post (something that is the work of a moment, a need to ventilate). but thank you, really. :D my bottomline on the matter (and i think i've been saying this to a lot of people) is all this is part of the process. basta. being extra cautious lang at the moment.
raz, ang haba ng post mo! pero salamat, grabe. may nagbabasa naman pala ng blog ko, apart from the few friends i have who have so much time to kill (tulad ko). i don't mind at all. :D
tony belva, do i know you? :D
Post a Comment