I love my life.

Song of the Moment: Orange Sky by Alexi Murdoch

Years from now, I am going to look back at this post and find strength in this moment.

I love my life. There is really no denying the simplicity of this truth.

I love myself, for all my limitations and countless capabilities. I love my family, for being bits and pieces of who I turned out to be. I love Enzo for being my reason for being, my confidante, my protector and my forever. I love my friends, for being my source of laughter, motivation and perspective. I love my work that challenges me and pushes me to have a vision for the future, and of course, without which I can not sustain a comfortable lifestyle. I love my body, and how it makes me feel beautiful. I love my country, from which I draw my own individual quirks from its collective history and culture.

I love my silence. I love my humanity. I love who I am and everything else that surrounds who I am. And most of all, I love my God for giving me what I denied for the longest time as something I deserved.

Love at Sunrise, Love at Sunset

Song of the Moment: Breakdown by Deerheart

6:45am. I woke up this morning just in time to watch a good friend being featured on Umagang Kay Ganda’s Valentine Episode. My friend has been with his girlfriend for 5-6 years. She now works in Shanghai, while he works in Manila. They both fly in and out of Manila frequently just to be with each other.  One day, she flies in from Shanghai and noticed something unusual. Huge signs were plastered all over NAIA 1, with messages of endearment for someone. “I don’t know most of you, but I know someone on this plane...” A long red ribbon followed the passengers’ path from the airplane tube to immigration. “...I can’t wait to be with her for the rest of my life.” She thought nothing of this of course, until after she crossed immigration. A line of  airport staff greeted her with huge, knowing smiles, and she was just puzzled. The human barricade parted in the middle to reveal my good friend, on one knee, carrying a small box and a dazzling engagement ring. “Will you marry me?” Yes. He had to propose in the most ostentatious way he knew. And there is no way anyone could say no to that.

10:30am. I was working on some materials for our company’s job openings, when my dad starts opening up to me. He starts explaining to me, that if E and I are very serious about our relationship, then it is very important for us to really sit down and talk about who we really are, what annoys us, what makes us happy, what our dreams are and how we’ll get there together without compromising our individuality. I appreciate it when my dad talks to me about these things, so I listened intently. But at the end, he wasn’t just giving parental advice to her “last daughter” but more so, he wanted to air out all his frustrations and thoughts on surviving a 30-year marriage. As I listened to his stories, I began to realize more and more how much effort is involved in marriage. Ambition. Competition. Self-Interest. Selflessness. Communication. Silence. Fears. Joy. Heartbreak. Bliss. Anger. Regret. Commitment. Loneliness. Conflict. Love. Money. Love and Money. Faith. Appreciation. Gratitude. Understanding. Acceptance. His final statement was, “At the end of the day, you just have to learn to accept things you can never change.”                 

Today, I was moved by two stories of love. One is just beginning a life of love, and the other is already counting lessons from decades of choosing to love. So today, I’m acknowledging two inclinations. There’s a part of me that’s excited about starting a new life with another; there’s also a part of me that cautions about the kind of commitment marriage involves. 

Admittedly, just like any other girl in her mid-20s, I do get a bit jealous every time I hear about another batch mate getting engaged or married. And mind you, they’re a LOT. I can’t help but feel that I've been outdone. Perhaps this discomfort has something to do with having a distorted concept of competitive maturity. That maybe I’ve led myself to believe that I’m supposed to mature faster than they could. But really, how can I possibly gauge something as abstract as maturity? 

On the other hand, every time I listen to my dad speak about his marriage to my mom, I always end up thinking about what his experiences might mean to me. When he speaks about marital conflicts that can’t seem to be resolved, I no longer feel pain over the reality that my parents, after all these years, may not be compatible after all. If I were in my teens and my dad told me all these things, I’d probably jump off the next window I could find. But this time, it’s different. Instead of feeling resentment, I end up respecting my dad and my mom even more. They’re human, like you and me. And their love was never perfect. Their love was never blissful. But it was love nonetheless. And it has lasted through decades of friction and harmony. We, young lovers, may complain about the littlest things, argue about the most petty issues. But here’s a couple that has lasted through years of deep misunderstanding with wounds that are just too deep to heal.  I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult that is.   

In four days, the world will find an excuse to celebrate love. Love is an overused theme indeed, but it is one of the most elusive topics known to man. We always ask what true love means. Is it defined by the level of grandeur, as in declaring one’s love in public? Or is it best manifested in a silent sense of comfort and understanding? Does it have an age requirement, a +5/-2 age compatibility? Does it have a religious undertone, that one has to be of the same faith? Does it have a gender preference, or can we ever accept two women who claim they are in love? Can one claim to be truly in love after just a few weeks of companionship? Or is there a specific time period for one to truly be ready to love the other completely? Can we ever learn to love strong enough to last a lifetime? I don’t know the correct answers to these questions. There are no correct answers, just as much as there are no wrong ones. As far as I know, you just love. In the best way you know how. 

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.

By the way, here’s “Breakdown” by Deerheart, one of the saddest songs I know. It talks about people who may love each other now but change over time: 

I saw you. You saw me.
That's when I needed you. You needed me.
I kissed you. You kissed me.
And thought, forever, yeah, we'd always be.

Well I like you. You like me.
Seems that we fit so perfectly.
You make me feel worthy.
And I've let you take care of me.

(Chorus)
Ohhh.
Were alright now,
Gonna break down the breakdown.
Move from where we stand,
See what we don't want to see.

I love you. You love me.
Oh but lately, something’s wearing on me.
I've been growing.
I've been changing.
And seems like you're barely moving.

(Chorus)
There is nothing we can do to get past this.
Nothing you could say.
Baby please don't fret.
Our time has moved passed us.

I love you.
You love me.
Is it possible we love differently?
You need me, but I need to
Feel strong, baby, without you.

The Table Napkin Wager

Song of the Moment: Mausam and Escape by A.R. Rahman (Slumdog Millionaire OST)

Some random evening in 2008, the girls were at Dome Cafe in Shangri-La, sipping coffee and tea and eating stale, free cake from Cravings. It could have been a typical get together, but something came to fruition that night.

It was the evening of the table napkin wager.

You know you're getting older when the topics you talk about over meals become more, well, mature. In our case, we noticed that our discussions gradually grew up from "which college will I get into?" to "I'm taking up BS Extracurriculars with a Minor in Management/Economics" to "what company should I work for?" and now, "who'll get married or get pregnant first?" And so began the humor behind the table napkin.

We took an unassuming sheet of Dome table napkin and scribbled down our speculations for the race to adulthood. It was simple. We each put our money on a person in the group who would most likely:

a) Get married first. (Excluding the one person who already got married in the US)

b) Get pregnant first.

We had every person sign off her stake and are now still awaiting results. The buy-in wasn't too big though, at PhP100 per person, but it was fun to actually gamble on something and pretend that the total pot was enough to finance that person's  bridal shower or baby shower. 

Since then, there have been playful banters of "My money's still on you!" as if PhP100 will amount to much these days. 

As the months passed and the table napkin remains unscarred in my wallet, more and more people from our circles got pregnant, got hitched, started a family. I can name so many high school batchmates whom I've discovered in shock as ladies who apparently have a higher propensity to settle down than any one of us in the barkada. They used to be the most rowdy ones, the most playful ones, the rather "tomboy-ish" ones, the wild children, and even the quiet ones. And now they're starting a family faster than I can say "I think I'm ready to take the next step." As it has been seen the past months, there isn't a clear winner among the contenders of the table napkin yet. (It's true, Rina! Hehehe.) And my lingering question is: "What makes one truly ready to move on?"

 

2009 is at hand. This same group of jocular (but secretly desperate!) girls decided to push each other to personal objectives of every kind, with the predominant goal "Have a love life this year." I feel lucky enough that I have one to begin with, and I'm truly overjoyed with what I have. But am I really ready to take that next step? Is it the right time? There are still some questions that I have yet to ask, and answer.  

I'm writing this as I near my 25th birthday. Imagine that. I've been walking this earth for 25 years. I've stopped calling it a quarter-life crisis, because it's a little over one fourth of my intended life already. But there are still introspective questions... there will always be questions. I may be beginning to imagine a more definite life, with definite long-term goals and a definite person holding my hand. But as far as I'm concerned, things can still change this year. 

For now, I think I'll sit back and watch one Facebook status after another change from single to engaged/married, wondering if I can muster enough guts to go beyond the lip service and actually take that plunge....

we like to spice it up like that...

Song of the Moment: Your Heart is An Empty Room by Death Cab for Cutie

The other day over breakfast, my dad suddenly addressed me and said, "Well, if he's really the one already, you have to show him who you really are --- both good and bad qualities." I wasn't expecting him to say something off-topic like that, but I gladly took it in and muttered, almost inaudibly, "I happen to think I'm at my most candid self around him."  

Well, it's true. 

I think he has seen me at my worst state. In fact, we started out with him pulling me up from bouts of self-pity. He knows I'm still nursing from a few self-esteem issues, so he's firm but reasonable about sudden urges to regress to past habits. He knows I'm anal about my expenditures, and he's been teaching me to loosen up a bit. He knows that I don't remember ever having a childhood, so he's throwing toys and video games at me in an effort to salvage the lost child within. He knows and can relate to perennial family business drama, because he's in one as well (and not a lot of people can offer that perspective). The start of 2009 means we're nearing the 3-year mark, and looking back, I'm proud to say that there hasn't been a single problem that wasn't addressed through diplomatic communication. We're doing very well... so well, that a lot of people might say we're boring. YAWN.

But hey, we're not "serious" all the time. In fact, a great amount of time we spend together involves silly banters, warm hugs and lighthearted laughter. I don't think I've had so much fun with anyone else! We've managed to keep things very interesting by doing the following: 

1. We've spent time with each other's families in Manila and out of town.

2. We've played video games together. (Well, I tried... although every time there's a difficult level, I hand over the controller to him.)

3. We're taking Zen Meditation together. 

4. We played single and picked up each other at the bar. (This failed after less than a minute, cuz I couldn't contain my laughter! Hahaha!) 

5. We took a history walking tour together. 

6. We braved orc fests together. 

7. We dressed up like silly and spent on expensive dinners, even if the occasion was only "because we felt like it."

8. We had food delivered to his house from TWO restaurants because we couldn't decide what to eat, and then ate everything the entire afternoon.

9. We've brushed our teeth beside each other, and talked with our mouths filled with foam.

10. We ordered an entire cake and ate it together, before even having dinner. 

11. We go yogging together. 

12. We attempted to play badminton together. 

13. We love to swim (more like wade) together in the pool or by the beach.

14. We watched a Tagalog R-18 movie (and we almost put paper bags over our heads). I forgot the title, but Maui Taylor and Baron Geisler were there.  

15. We played lasertag as soon as we found out that LazerExtreme opened.

16. We've gone go karting at Fort Bonifacio together. 

17. We've gone shopping together. 

18. We've done grocery shopping together.

19.  We've watched plays and movies and concerts.

20. We've shared numerous songs, movies, information and other interesting downloads from the internet. Go figure. Hehehe.

 

It makes me so happy just remembering the many months, years we've spent with each other. And to imagine a lifetime of doing so much more gives me something to look forward to, something to hold on to, and something worth waking up to every morning of my life.

  

How Do I Know He Loves Me?

Song of the Moment: That’s How You Know by Amy Adams

Today, I got several calls from my E at the last hour of the workday. We called each other on expensive mobile phone rates three times in less than an hour. It wasn’t because there was an emergency that required constant coordination. It was simply because we were in love… and we were also the best of friends.

E was going to be out with the boys, while I was going to go running tonight. We were really supposed to be doing our own things, but… yeah. We just had to have a semblance of each other’s presence. The first call was to rave about how great our days were. I finally won over an internal sales argument against people more “senior” than I was, and he just met with the Board of X-company in the prospect of buying the X-company soon. The second call was to rave about a new gadget sale I discovered online, and to listen to him munching down on his McDo meal. The third call was to caution me that he was going to watch The Happening again, and that he loved me in case he does not survive the post-film trauma. He also wanted to tell me about a weird encounter with fate.

Anyway, rewind back to my recent trip in Boracay, I remember my single friends questioning R and I for reporting to our boyfriends every time something significant happened. We were asked if we felt trapped, constrained and basically choked by this whole reporting system. R and I just shrugged and said, “No, it doesn’t feel like we’re being restrained at all.” I actually believe that, contrary to what the jaded heart might say, being with someone you oh-so-utterly love is very liberating. You’ll feel a great sense of freedom when you’re with the right one. So what if you could have just waited for him to tell you about the good day at work when he gets home? So what if you were just itching to share how heavenly delicious the Chimichangas are at Mañana in Boracay? Nothing seems to be too mundane to be shared with a loved one.

So here we are. A list of things that will only make sense to a person in love, but will seem so ridiculous to someone who isn’t:

1. Your excitement over something will only be fully satisfied when you’ve shared it with him, whether it’s closing a new deal or noticing how unusually huge the full moon is.
2. You don’t feel obliged to report about your day to him… but you just do anyway cuz it’s fun to do.
3. You can eat just about anything, in any way you want, and still look beautiful in his eyes with your greasy fingers.
4. You can cry in silence, in his arms, and that’s all the comforting you’ll ever need.
5. You bitch about looking bad in a bikini, and he pinches your love handles and says, “I love you too!”
6. You let him talk about all his guy stuff and actually start getting interested in how awesome the Penalty Shoot-out was during the last Chelsea vs. Man Utd game.
7. You randomly send each other links to articles on the web that caught your interest.
8. You laugh about so many things together. You just keep laughing until that “long hard day stigma” disappears into thin air.
9. You can sit him down to talk about what you’ll do with your future together… and you’ll get more than quiet nods, such stuff like distinct plans on how to get there.
10. You get extra kisses and hugs (plus a new tube of Airborne) when you’re sick, even if it means risking he’ll catch the flu too.
11. You linger inside the car before entering the house because it’s difficult to say goodbye, even if you spent the entire day together.

Eeeeeewwww… cheese. *shrug* Admit it. You want to be foolishly in love too. J

P.S. As expected, today was a day of triumph. Hehehe. See? My speculations yesterday were correct.

The Perfect One

Song of the Moment: How We Breathe by Pinback

"I like him, but he’s not my ideal guy.”

These were my friend’s words as she explained her weird dilemma. She was feeling bad about failing to recognize the things the guy did for her to show his intentions. She eventually appeared cold even if she was interested in him. What struck me the most was this: She couldn’t imagine being with the guy anyway because he wasn’t “her type.”

My friend was partly a victim of unconsciously and unnecessarily weeding out the guys she thinks she won’t like. Many times, we look at a man or a woman from head to toe and consult our checklist before we even decide to explore dating. He has to be taller than me. She must be very organized with her things. He has to be a gentleman. She must be nurturing. He has to be earning an X amount of money. She has to have at least 34-25-34 vital statistics. We do a natural selection in our head and as a result, often unconsciously shut out those people who do not pass the criteria. Which is, off the top of my head, 90% of the population? We’re seriously doing something wrong here.

My friend has been single since birth, and she admits that she doesn’t know how to deal with people. Okay, point taken. But what she also has to realize is that the only way to find the Perfect One for her is to explore the vast ocean of fishes with an eye for opportunity, not by making a list of qualities in her logical head and finding the puzzle piece of a man to match. I say, go ahead and go crazy with your hits-and-misses! I can’t really claim to be an expert in matchmaking, but I realized that I had to flirt with/date so many boys/guys/men and go so far as being heartbroken 4-5 times (and I’m only 24 years old!), before I was able to find the perfect one for me. And the funny thing was, HE turned out to be the last person I would date. When I first met him, I tried to entertain the thought of dating him. Note, I don’t leave any stone unturned and look at every single person as an opportunity. But somehow, I always ended up cringing at that idea back then because he was too arrogant, too tall, too lanky, a bit unreliable, etc.

What I thoroughly didn’t expect was change. (And I should have expected this because change is after all the single constant in this world, right?)

He changed. And I changed. Somehow, our desires found each other, and at the end, it could not be helped anymore. “It just happened,” as many of those How-To books will tell you about finding the Right One. “It just happened” seems so difficult to understand, but you see, “It just happened” was actually an end result of years and years of trial and error. It was a result of years and years of slowly and unknowingly being prepared for the one person I was meant to be with.

My father would tell me, “You have to lessen your perfectionism, because you’ll always find yourself stuck at the planning, and never even reaching the execution. You have to trust that things will just work out, even if you haven’t completely thought things through.” The truth is, no matter how good a planner you are (which I apparently am), sometimes the hit-and-miss approach is the only way for you to open up doors you never knew you had the keys to.

We can’t always expect that the road to finding the Perfect One will be a smoothly-paved road; there will be an abundance of roadblocks along the way. We can’t always expect that the people we’ll meet will fit our criteria; for all we know, our criteria for the Perfect One may not even be the right criteria for who we are. We just have to keep looking forward, seize opportunities as they come, make mistakes along the way and reap the ultimate gift of being prepared for the Perfect One.

And while you’re at it, enjoy the ride!