I love my life.

Song of the Moment: Orange Sky by Alexi Murdoch

Years from now, I am going to look back at this post and find strength in this moment.

I love my life. There is really no denying the simplicity of this truth.

I love myself, for all my limitations and countless capabilities. I love my family, for being bits and pieces of who I turned out to be. I love Enzo for being my reason for being, my confidante, my protector and my forever. I love my friends, for being my source of laughter, motivation and perspective. I love my work that challenges me and pushes me to have a vision for the future, and of course, without which I can not sustain a comfortable lifestyle. I love my body, and how it makes me feel beautiful. I love my country, from which I draw my own individual quirks from its collective history and culture.

I love my silence. I love my humanity. I love who I am and everything else that surrounds who I am. And most of all, I love my God for giving me what I denied for the longest time as something I deserved.

The Second Quarter

Song of the Moment: Signs by Bloc Party

Last night, I was chatting with a friend and I caught myself saying these words:

"you're turning 25.. don't you remember what we thought of 25-year-old people before when we were younger? we're supposed to be more independent than we allow ourselves to be. that's why i want to move out too, even if it's a bit impractical.. i think it's going to make me a better person, and that's more important to me."

That was 12:28AM. It's 8:34AM right now. And I'm staring at the screen, wondering what alien form took over my body last night. Hehehe. :)

But seriously, there's something different in the air now. And I like it. :)

Zazen

Song of the Moment: Silence

They say you shouldn’t read or write about Zen lest you fall into the trap of grasping it intellectually and superficially. I will write for writing’s sake.

I attended my 8th and last orientation Sunday for Zen. There were no bells and whistles. Nothing dramatically different happened. There were no exaltations or festivities. There was only silence.

I decided to get into Zen because I wanted the following:

1. I wanted to be more focused.
2. I wanted to remain grounded and not get lost in the hustle-bustle of life.
3. I wanted to bring out the true creativity that can only come from unadulterated humanity.
   

But after several weeks of practising Zen, I learned that not much has changed. I still get easily distracted in life. I still find myself stuck outside the creative process. I still get tired at the end of the day, tirelessly forcing sleep to an active mind. I still get angry, but with greater intensity. I still cry, but with less logic. I still feel. And maybe that’s all there is to it.

It’s not supposed to make sense, because I’m only at the start of something. I’m not supposed to have all the answers because I still have a restless heart. And maybe only death can bring forth the Truth that I seek. For now, it’s the process that matters. And so I will sit some more.

Just Needed a 'Lil Push

Song of the Moment: Shhhh by Frou Frou

Today was the fourth day of becoming. 

For a considerable amount of time, I was absolutely beset with useless perceptions of incapacity. I don't know what happened to me during college, but I think I lost much of my confidence during those four years.

But I'm now at my fourth day. In graduate school. And I feel different. 

I used to actually look down on people who always seem to reinvent themselves, declaring the coming of change over and over and over again. But in this case, I'd like to think that my reinvention, albeit the nth time, is actually part of a continuous process... and perhaps it'll take me several moments of enlightenment to reinvent myself in this lifetime. This might be one of those moments for me. I have a good feeling that this is the start of another swing of changes. I'll be a better version of myself after this. :)  

 

Love at Sunrise, Love at Sunset

Song of the Moment: Breakdown by Deerheart

6:45am. I woke up this morning just in time to watch a good friend being featured on Umagang Kay Ganda’s Valentine Episode. My friend has been with his girlfriend for 5-6 years. She now works in Shanghai, while he works in Manila. They both fly in and out of Manila frequently just to be with each other.  One day, she flies in from Shanghai and noticed something unusual. Huge signs were plastered all over NAIA 1, with messages of endearment for someone. “I don’t know most of you, but I know someone on this plane...” A long red ribbon followed the passengers’ path from the airplane tube to immigration. “...I can’t wait to be with her for the rest of my life.” She thought nothing of this of course, until after she crossed immigration. A line of  airport staff greeted her with huge, knowing smiles, and she was just puzzled. The human barricade parted in the middle to reveal my good friend, on one knee, carrying a small box and a dazzling engagement ring. “Will you marry me?” Yes. He had to propose in the most ostentatious way he knew. And there is no way anyone could say no to that.

10:30am. I was working on some materials for our company’s job openings, when my dad starts opening up to me. He starts explaining to me, that if E and I are very serious about our relationship, then it is very important for us to really sit down and talk about who we really are, what annoys us, what makes us happy, what our dreams are and how we’ll get there together without compromising our individuality. I appreciate it when my dad talks to me about these things, so I listened intently. But at the end, he wasn’t just giving parental advice to her “last daughter” but more so, he wanted to air out all his frustrations and thoughts on surviving a 30-year marriage. As I listened to his stories, I began to realize more and more how much effort is involved in marriage. Ambition. Competition. Self-Interest. Selflessness. Communication. Silence. Fears. Joy. Heartbreak. Bliss. Anger. Regret. Commitment. Loneliness. Conflict. Love. Money. Love and Money. Faith. Appreciation. Gratitude. Understanding. Acceptance. His final statement was, “At the end of the day, you just have to learn to accept things you can never change.”                 

Today, I was moved by two stories of love. One is just beginning a life of love, and the other is already counting lessons from decades of choosing to love. So today, I’m acknowledging two inclinations. There’s a part of me that’s excited about starting a new life with another; there’s also a part of me that cautions about the kind of commitment marriage involves. 

Admittedly, just like any other girl in her mid-20s, I do get a bit jealous every time I hear about another batch mate getting engaged or married. And mind you, they’re a LOT. I can’t help but feel that I've been outdone. Perhaps this discomfort has something to do with having a distorted concept of competitive maturity. That maybe I’ve led myself to believe that I’m supposed to mature faster than they could. But really, how can I possibly gauge something as abstract as maturity? 

On the other hand, every time I listen to my dad speak about his marriage to my mom, I always end up thinking about what his experiences might mean to me. When he speaks about marital conflicts that can’t seem to be resolved, I no longer feel pain over the reality that my parents, after all these years, may not be compatible after all. If I were in my teens and my dad told me all these things, I’d probably jump off the next window I could find. But this time, it’s different. Instead of feeling resentment, I end up respecting my dad and my mom even more. They’re human, like you and me. And their love was never perfect. Their love was never blissful. But it was love nonetheless. And it has lasted through decades of friction and harmony. We, young lovers, may complain about the littlest things, argue about the most petty issues. But here’s a couple that has lasted through years of deep misunderstanding with wounds that are just too deep to heal.  I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult that is.   

In four days, the world will find an excuse to celebrate love. Love is an overused theme indeed, but it is one of the most elusive topics known to man. We always ask what true love means. Is it defined by the level of grandeur, as in declaring one’s love in public? Or is it best manifested in a silent sense of comfort and understanding? Does it have an age requirement, a +5/-2 age compatibility? Does it have a religious undertone, that one has to be of the same faith? Does it have a gender preference, or can we ever accept two women who claim they are in love? Can one claim to be truly in love after just a few weeks of companionship? Or is there a specific time period for one to truly be ready to love the other completely? Can we ever learn to love strong enough to last a lifetime? I don’t know the correct answers to these questions. There are no correct answers, just as much as there are no wrong ones. As far as I know, you just love. In the best way you know how. 

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.

By the way, here’s “Breakdown” by Deerheart, one of the saddest songs I know. It talks about people who may love each other now but change over time: 

I saw you. You saw me.
That's when I needed you. You needed me.
I kissed you. You kissed me.
And thought, forever, yeah, we'd always be.

Well I like you. You like me.
Seems that we fit so perfectly.
You make me feel worthy.
And I've let you take care of me.

(Chorus)
Ohhh.
Were alright now,
Gonna break down the breakdown.
Move from where we stand,
See what we don't want to see.

I love you. You love me.
Oh but lately, something’s wearing on me.
I've been growing.
I've been changing.
And seems like you're barely moving.

(Chorus)
There is nothing we can do to get past this.
Nothing you could say.
Baby please don't fret.
Our time has moved passed us.

I love you.
You love me.
Is it possible we love differently?
You need me, but I need to
Feel strong, baby, without you.

Testing the Virtuous

Song of the Moment: The Golden Floor by Snow Patrol

12mn. It was the day after the 2004 elections. I was driving to Ateneo to take the midnight shift for NAMFREL QC's Quick Count. Obviously, not a lot of people wanted to take that shift. It was inconvenient. You'd have to take extra cups of coffee. You'd have to be more vigilant because the early morning hours can play tricks on you and your ability to decipher the canvassing sheets. You'd have to go to school in the middle of the month of May, which to most is a travesty of the concept of vacation. But I decided to sign up for it anyway. Because I was feeling nationalistic. This is my chance to concretely contribute to social development and Philippine governance.

I was about to take a turn into Shaw Blvd. from Rodriguez Street in Mandaluyong City. I was steadily inching up the road just outside the Archbishop's Palace. And between feeling nationalistic at midnight and making the sign of the cross next to the revered Archbishop's chapel, I witnessed a crime. 

A man, armed with a pocket knife, was pulling a young woman's shoulder bag. The woman was screaming, "Magnanakaw!" But the man was swifter than the wind. He was running down the street; the woman was running after him. He hailed a jeepney, and in a few seconds, one jeep stopped in front of him.   

And I was right there, frozen in fear and indecision. I imagined myself positioning my vehicle just a few meters forward, enough to block the jeep from getting away. I imagined myself alighting my car, and calling attention to the man who stole the bag. I imagined myself looking straight into the jeep's glaring headlights long enough to give the woman just enough time to catch up with the man, identify him as a criminal and allow the jeep's passengers to act on the crime as well.

I imagined all these in a few crucial seconds....

...and then I watched the jeep speed off.    

I went on my not-so-merry way, disturbed beyond explanation. I am supposed to be a religious, nationalistic woman. I believed I was actively virtuous --- someone who knew how to persecute wrongdoing and acknowledge righteousness given any situation. But in this case, my righteousness remained a thought process.

To make matters worse, after driving a good 500meters down Shaw Boulevard, I saw a police station right by the side of the road. I hesitated a bit, wondered if I should report what I saw. But I still didn't stop.

At that point, tears started to streak my cheeks. I felt so guilty, so small, so unworthy. Here I was, claiming to be a person of virtue by volunteering for the cause of nationalism and making a gesture of religious significance --- but I failed the test. Because it was inconvenient and my safety could have been jeopardized, I chose to turn a blind eye. Where it involved clear and present danger, I wasn't so virtuous after all.

This afternoon, coming from my Zen Meditation class, I drove past that very same street. In a split second, I vividly remembered the events of that night. And although I can't find a direct link between this sudden purging and this afternoon's Zen session, I'm glad that I found the heart to write about it now. I want to forgive myself for not being a hero that night. I want to comfort my guilty old self and tell her that it's okay and that perhaps, next time, I can find a more suitable situation to be more decisive in exercising integrity. And if anything, I can make up for the lost opportunity in other ways. 

There are memories we choose to hold on to, even if doing so will just make our baggage heavier than it should be. There are memories that we tried so hard to conceal but will find itself surfacing at the most inopportune time. So, there are memories that just have to be taken as a necessary evil, in order for something to be learned. There are memories of mistakes made that become correct decisions after all over time. There are memories that give us a fresh perspective on who we actually are, a window into the self we never knew we were. And then there are memories that are just meant to be forgiven, not forgotten, in order for one to carry on living in an endless cycle of pitfalls and recoveries. 

The month that was... January.

Song of the Moment: Grand Opening by Will Dailey

After writing my 2008 round-up, I quickly realized that I let certain months pass without much activity. Needless to say, I was a bit disappointed with myself. I mean, come on. I’m twenty-five. I’m young. I’m not yet married. I’m financially free. Now is the best time to do the many things I never thought I could do. 

Looking back at 2008, I sincerely wanted to boast of a specific achievement per month, to say that I didn’t put the twelve months to waste. The 2008 Round-up wasn’t at par with how I envisioned 2008 to be. Thus, I promised myself that I would consciously make each month more memorable --- more dynamic --- by forcing myself to list exceptional things done or experienced or participated in during the month. I’m not really sure how long this little experiment will last, but for now, I’m glad I lived up to my expectations for the month of January.   

1. Two new contracts for TAWI: La Farge and Asia Cargo Container Terminals. Shifting to a new product in TAWI really boosted our confidence in sales activities, but surprisingly, the contracts we closed for January were not for the new products. They were customized, as we have always intended to sell, and it was a blessing to have discovered these clients when we thought the industry was ailing. I’d like to credit part of it to luck, and it was just a matter of taking advantage of opportunities while they’re there.    
2. First EasyHomes Client: Acer Homes.  The management team rejoiced, opened a bottle of red wine and took posterity photos after the first contract for EasyHomes was signed. The company has been struggling with self-esteem issues and looooong sessions of product development; we’re not really sure how the market will react to the product. But at the end, the project went full swing and we’re finally at war.
3. Zen Meditation. I’ve been wanting to practice meditation since I took Jim Paredes’ creativity class. Back then, I felt the need to find an activity that will ground me and bring me back to my center amidst the hustle-bustle of life. At the start of the year, I did just that. I went out and finally took the Glimpse course. I wanted to do it for several reasons: to be more focused, to have peace of mind, to be more resilient and ultimately, to harness my lost creativity by allowing my mind to be more powerful. I’m eager to attend the next sessions (this February); I know this will help me get through the day to day.
4. First Batch General Assembly at Starbucks Silver City. It was nice to see familiar faces, and have the chance to get more feedback from people regarding the batch reunion. It was a rough start, but at least we’re getting somewhere. I can't wait for the reunion to come to fruition in its full awesome glory. 
5. Turned 25! Woah. My sensibilities plummeted to grave realizations --- I actually felt old that day. But no worries. I’d like to think that having turned 25 years is a good excuse.. erm, cue to be the best version of myself, now that I’m becoming more and more unbridled. I really feel like I’m at the best stage of my life. :)

I’m very happy with how January turned out. It was productive enough without having to sacrifice my need to socialize. I was able to achieve a good balance between work and play. Yay! 

Here’s to hoping more months like this will unfold.

 

Breather.

Song of the Moment: Reverie by Debussy 

It's one of those weeks again. I'm missing my running/swimming targets in exchange for evening rest from incredibly long, hard... days. Hehe. Montalban, Rizal on Monday. Cabuyao, Laguna on Tuesday. Meycauayan and Cabuyao, Laguna on Wednesday (Ack! Opposite ends of GMA!).  Mexico, Pampanga on Thursday. Muntinlupa City and Cabuyao, Laguna on Friday. I swear, these gasoline companies are making so much money from people like me. 

I like the feeling of being busy, actually. It's a masochistic assurance that I'm productive. I like driving long roads and then pulling over because you have to urgently take a call or reply to a text message. It's like you're actually of consequence to the company you work for. (Tsk tsk. I don't normally pull over by the way. And my phone's on touch screen! Danger!) 

But I know there are health risks to this kind of lifestyle. That's why I committed to very rigorous targets in terms of physical activity. And I started listening to more soothing (aka Classical) music on the road so I don't get stressed by traffic congestion. And I'm gonna attend the Glimpse to Zen on Sunday, because I want to learn and master high-level meditation practices.

I need breathers like this. 

So 2009 is at hand. I'm cooking up so many things in the kitchen. But the few times I can, I think I will take time to just pause and feel the present. I'm glad I'm right here, right now. I wouldn't want it any other way. :)

The 2008 Round-up

Song of the Moment: Take Me to the Riot by Stars

I just got home from another Christmas tradition for the family --- Christmas abroad. It is a tradition I cannot to continue with my family (initially I think?) because of the financial requirement, so I'm taking advantage of every opportunity I get to be a global trotter while I'm still single. So I'd like to particularly thank my parents for every chance they gave me to travel --- that I may experience global sensibilities, cultures and histories beyond what a normal person would experience. 

But aren't we all travelers just the same?

I remember when I graduated from Grade 7, I gave the welcome speech slash salutatory speech. I started with this sentence: "I am traveler with an undetermined itinerary to success, armed with nothing but a mind to think, a heart to love and hands to reach out." 

And... wow. My BS made me sound like a wise, mature little girl. Which I'm actually still getting used to for the past 10 years. I cannot claim to be wise enough or mature enough yet, but I'm getting there every day, an inch at a time. :) 

Anyway, we are all travelers on our own right. We may not have stamps on our passports, or we may not even have passports to begin with, but we are all on a steady course to experience the world like we've never thought we could. 

This year, for me, was no exception. And after that long introduction, allow me to do a round-up of the year that was for me, in true year-end blogging fashion. But before that, to put everything in perspective, at the start of 2008, I told myself that the theme for the year for me would be FEARLESSNESS. Now that's said, you be the judge if I achieved it or not: 

• January: Event Organizer for Ate Abby's Insane Cebu Wedding (No, I don't think I will have a destination wedding after that experience). 
• February: Flew to Bacolod for the Victoria's account, almost clinched the deal; Flew to Davao alone for Del Monte and Pepsi accounts. Valentine's Day at Apt 1B.
• March:  Holy Thursday around Tarlac, Bulacan and Pampanga (first time we stayed home in ages); Good Friday at San Rafael, Bulacan with the Lebron Family.
• April: Sales Caravan - Destination: Bulacan & Pampanga.
• May: Boracay with Bugsy; Ad-Hoc CFO while Parents are in Sanya & Macau; First 2008 Investment; Punta Fuego with the boys and the Lebron Family; Birthday video surprise for Enzo.
• June: Tagaytay Road Trip with Bugsy and Enzo; Bought my Black MacBook; Family Constitution Retreat. 
• July: Took a pranic healing class; Ad-Hoc CFO while Parents are in Boracay; Second 2008 Investment.
• August: The one-week hiatus with the flu.
• September: Crazy Oktoberfest; Ad-Hoc CFO while Parents are in Russia; 2nd Year Anniversary; Third 2008 Investment; Flew to Cebu alone for the SHDA Conference.
• October: Started running and swimming again; The great solo SEA Trip: Singapore, Malaysia, Vietnam; Closed Philip Morris contract; Monching & Weeya's Wedding. Initial EasyHomes clients. 
• November: The great solo SEA Trip: Cambodia, Thailand, Hong Kong & Macau; EasyHomes launch; Tagaytay Overnight with Bugsy; Progressive swimming and running.
• December: First PO for EasyHomes; Closed Fast Logistics contract; The challenging board decision; First climb up the Quezon property; Family flies to Beijing, Shanghai and Hong Kong. 

Next year ulit? Bring it on. :)

     

The Good Stress

Song of the Moment: Definitely Unexpected (Instrumental) 

by Hans Zimmer, The Holiday OST

I was physically exhausted beyond words today. It was one of those action-packed days that would render you lifeless at 8PM. But that does not go without saying that it was mentally and emotionally satisfying. It was worth it. 

I can't believe I'm saying this, but these days of fatigue make me happy in a weird way. It's the good kind of stress that not a lot of people in the global work force have. While a lot of people out there toil through hours and hours of work doing something that make them question whether or not they have a fully-utilized brain, I am glad to be in a position of vast opportunities for inner growth. Other people may be satisfied with working 8-5 jobs and then going home not knowing exactly why they just spent 9 hours doing what they did (or perhaps, choosing not to think about why they spent those 9 hours because there aren't a lot of options anyway). But I know I'm not like that. I am a restless spirit in need of a grand purpose to live by. That is why, right now, I am actually enjoying my work because there is a powerful vision that moves me. And I get so giddy to know that it's just a couple of work hours away from reality. 

 

Tonight, I recall those Philo classes I took a long time ago, where I was taught that to be is to have purpose, that can be made tangible through the work that we do. And I believe that to have it the other way around would be a loss in humanity; that is, we shouldn't work now just to have a purpose and to be somebody someday. We have to be convinced that we are human first, and that this is our purpose (what we are born to do), and we will choose to do the work that will bring that to life. Makes sense?  

And you know what else fascinates me? Just like how I found E after a tedious case of groping for a hand to hold in the dark, it seems that, after a seemingly long adjustment period, I've finally found something I want to do for the rest of my life. We'll be sharing wedding rings someday too.  

The Week I'll Never Get Back

Song of the Moment: The Man Who Can’t Be Moved by The Script 

Today is August 24, 2008. Around 6 days ago, I started contracting a virus of unknown proportions. It was the common cold, except I could have sworn it’s the highly mutated one. Think of how say Charmander from Pokemon, when summoned, becomes that almost evil orange dragon Charizard that can petrify other Pokemon monsters in fear. Or like Frankenstein’s monster if the Common Cold was actually named Frankenstein. So anyway, I was huffin’ and puffin’ and wheezin’ and sneezin’ for 5 full days, with temperatures almost halfway through boiling points... And it was just the common cold!

The two doctors gave me six different kinds of drugs: one for my fever, one for my cough & colds, one for allergies, one effervescent with high-potent vitamin C, another effervescent mucolytic and a saline solution to use for nasal irrigation. It was sheer torture. I felt like an old woman at a retirement home --- you know, when you’re given these little paper cups of your daily medication, and sometimes, you dread it so much that you want to “fake take” it. But I had to, or else I’ll never be able to get out of prison... So I took mine either three times a day or at night to drug me to sleep. 

I realized I haven’t been sick in bed for that long in ages. There was a part of me that kept on nudging, telling me how utterly useless I am at that point in time --- MISSING A LOT at work, BIG TIME. On the other hand, I thought to myself that I probably needed all that bed rest. And it was refreshing to prioritize just myself for a change. 

I am the grown-up outlet.

Song of the Moment: Stripper by Soho Dolls

Do you have a system of categorizing the people you hang out with based on what you feel like doing? I do. For instance...

• I go out with TBC for the ultimate food trips around and to feel good about myself by reminiscing about past achievements.
  
• I go out with TB to talk about light aspects of life and to reminisce about simpler days.
  
• I go out with J to splurge money without a care for tomorrow.
  
• I chat with or have meals with the F to talk about family issues or plans vis-à-vis the business.
  
• I used to run with A or have coffee with A&R to talk about heartache and love problems.
  
• I used to have coffee with KM to get a different perspective on things.
  
• I used to have dinner with EM or G to talk about work and career.
  
• I used to have margaritas with CJNJJ and others, to have a good laugh and indulge in light conversations.  
  
• Finally,  I go out with E to be myself, that is everything in between all the going out with different people.   
  

What I am particularly interested in is this: What aspect of other people’s life am I in? Am I the go-to person for heartache and love problems? Am I the person one can have long talks with because I’m an excellent listener? Am I the person who can give sound advise about work and career? Am I the person to bring along in bars and parties? Am I the person one can easily whisk away on an impromptu road trip or travel?

I am not really sure how people categorize me... But I do know that there are some categories I would like to be fielded in too. It’s like being drafted into a Baseball Team. Everyone knows you’re a good batter, but then for a change, you’d like to be the pitcher or the baseman. You don’t have to be so good at it, but then, you know you’ll have fun throwing those unexpected curved balls or shoving the ball to a batter’s face.

• I want to be the person you can stay late nights out with.
  
• I want to be the person you can easily pull for an impromptu road trip or plane trip abroad.
  
• I want to be the person you can have several drinks with or go dancing with.
  
• I want to be the person who will do body shots with you.
  
• I want to be the person you can wake up the next morning to, crashed next to you after a late night jamming session.
  
• I want to be the person who can go skinny dipping with you in some remote, deserted beach resort.
  
• I want to be the person who will go condo/house hunting with you.
  
• I want to be the person who will go scuba diving with you.
  
• I want to be the person who will take salsa lessons with you.
  
• I want to be the person who will take boxing sessions with you.
  
• I want to be the person who will camp out at Mt. Makiling with you.
  
• I want to be the person who will do body painting with you or paint-using-our-bodies with you.
  
• I want to be the person who will attend a weekly book club with you.
  
• I want to be the person who will fly kites with you.
  
• I want to be the person who will dance under the rain with you.
  

 
I don’t want to be the grown-up outlet all the time. I really want to do outrageous things with you. Really. So, are you up for all this? Ready when you are.

Random Thoughts for Today

Song of the Moment: Winter Pageant by Aromabar

These are random thoughts I picked up from all over the internet. Some will make you go Aaaaaahh.. J

1. You will only see shadows in a sunny day. You will only see the stars in the darkest night sky.
2. Temper is usually what gets us into trouble. And Pride keeps us there.
3. Time spent trying to get even are better spent in getting ahead.
4. He who thinks he has no fault, has one.
5. The world is composed of givers and takers. The Takers will eat better but the Givers will sleep better.
6. Do not try to say all you know, because in attempting it, you will often say more than you know.
7. We do not need magic to transform the world…. Just imagination.
8. Stay hungry, stay foolish.
9. There is no better measure of a person than what he does when he is absolutely free to choose.
10. In today’s age when everything is so interconnected and open, underachievers are not born, but more likely made.
11. Mistakes are likely more to be made by those who don’t know what they’re doing, and also by those who know too much.

Note: Kudos to Reflections of a BizDrivenLife for the words of wisdom.

Snapshot of Where I Am

Song of the Moment: Obsession by David Crowder Band

I was supposed to write so much this long weekend, but unfortunately, I was caught up doing a myriad of things. Waking up to sunrise and braving the morning markets. Lunch with Friends. Mingling with the in-laws. Date with the Loved One. Dinner with Family. Day trip to Tagaytay with Best Friends. Etc. Etc. It was quite the jam packed weekend after all.

Now that the dust has finally settled and I’m back embracing the workweek, I look back at the weekend that was with a grateful smile. It was an awesome weekend. Simple and splendid. It was a snapshot of who I have become. It was a blow-by-blow confirmation of the things that matter to me. It was a celebration of my life.

Some things in life never change after all. There are bits and pieces of the past that I still hold on to and make me a stronger person. In the same way, there are many things I have outgrown and consider as part of my old self... not buried, but engraved in memory. I realized that my life is not as boring and mundane as it seems after all. I’ve experienced so much and I’ve learned and lived out as expected. I am proud of who I’ve become --- never perfect, but nonetheless, happy.

First, I have a remarkable set of friends whom I’ve shared plates and plates of food with. They are a diverse bunch with strong principles, powerful aura and evolved skills --- I am so proud of them. We had both good and bad times together, lived through the mood swings of adolescence and adulthood. But now, we are exactly the same group of people we imagined ourselves to be when we were naïve kids: “We are still having fun.” I love them to bits and I don’t think that will ever change. They have contributed so much to who I’ve become. They constantly offer a glimpse of the person I was in the past. They always provide the comic relief to my daily grind.

I am in love with a man who loves me with so much abundance and commitment. More and more, I am falling in love with not just him, but the life that he lives --- his family, his friends, his quirks, his obsessions, his passion for life. There was a period in my life when I couldn’t imagine an unbridled love anymore. There were just mistakes after mistakes coupled with sleepless cried out nights. Nothing in my life seemed to have given me even a sliver of motivation to get me back on my feet. But he was patient and kind… well, he still is. He would ask me, “Are we doing enough to keep the flame alive?” Oh, but we’re not even measuring our efforts and it just feels right! I love him with a joyful certainty. I love him with a conceited confidence that proclaims: "Nothing can every weather our love."

I have become closer to family than I ever was in the past. I probably spend the most time with my parents, and I’ve become more dynamic in putting out a little effort for my family. Clearly, I am not as successful as my sisters career-wise (contrary to expectations perhaps), but I am valuable to the people around me. That is enough for now. I learned to look at my family from a different angle --- with more humanity than ever. I learned to appreciate the invisible chain that binds us together, in spite of the time zone differences. I learned to value their presence in my life and listen to their aspirations too, not just mine.

Finally, I am in love with myself. I’ve never been in a more non-punishing state than this. Running those 30 minutes on the treadmill is no longer about losing that unsightly flab, but about developing a good blood circulation. Sleeping 6-8 hours is no longer a lazy man’s indulgence, but an active person’s reward. Choosing to quiet down at night over exposing myself to smoke and alcohol has become a disciplined exercise of regaining focus. And finally, saying no to other people’s greed and insensitivity is no longer abrasion but "just anger." I’ve put myself on mute for the longest time, and now I’m slowly discovering the knobs to swing me back to full volume. And the more I do so, the more I realize how I turned out pretty okay after all. J

I guess the more birthday candles I blow out, I realize further what success and happiness means to me… and that first and foremost, it means having a wonderful family and good relationships with the people around me. It means waking up slowly and realizing I am alive. It means looking at life with excitement for it. It means being at present and being a present to others. When I was a kid, it seemed so fashionable to be a jaded victim of the world. It used to be cool to fight back because I felt misunderstood. Now, the world just looks better when I began understanding others before I judge them for misunderstanding me. It just feels better to smile more, even if no one’s watching or if there is no reason at all to smile.

Everything just feels right. Even if I don’t proofread this at all. J

A Philosophical Moment with Multiply

Song of the Moment: My Sundown by Jimmy Eat World

Click the photo to enlarge.

VERIFY YOU ARE HUMAN. There's been a lot of activity on your account, which appears to be automated. This sort of thing isn't allowed on Multiply, which is intended for humans to share lives with their human friends. Please enter the code below to verify your humanity.

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There. Am I human enough now?

Don't we all engage in a lot of activities that are short of "automated"? We wake up every morning with chronic fatigue, as we expect yet another routinary day. We look for patterns in our loved ones and "troubleshoot the relationship" when patterns are violated. We'd rather search for formats in our work rather than create a new way of doing things because we want our work done conveniently, without shattering the no-one-has-actually-established-as-infallible status quo. We gravitate towards the same people we've always been comfortable with even though we know they're sucking the life out of us, because a change of scenery translates to being uncomfortably spontaneous. We are scared of change; we abhor unpredictability. But I'd agree with Mr. Multiply when he says: "These [automated] activities are not allowed... [where it is] intended for humans to share their lives with human friends." You and I are human, and the truth is, no aspect of our life is and should ever be predictable or static. We will find the best version of ourselves when we face the strong winds of change, and be blown away in a graceful dance towards the heavens (as opposed to hanging on to dear life in fear). At the end of the day, there is no point in toiling and worrying about life. There are no trophies in heaven. There are no Forbes rankings in the afterlife. There are no Ms. Universe pageants at the end of our mortal lives. But rather, in heaven, I strongly believe that there are only memories of an old life to be relived and recalled again and again.

I don't agree with you, Mr. Multiply, when you asked us to plug in that code. I believe that there is no simplified code that can verify my humanity. In real life, we turn to picture perfect people in magazines and aspire to be like them. There's nothing remotely wrong with having role models; but to obsess over the aspiration of being "them" and losing one's self in the process is a different story. There is no how-to book in being a human. Being a human just entails being. And in the purest sense, being human is just all about letting the you come out without having to listen to what other people have to say.

So, thank you, Mr. Multiply, for that brief unintended philosophical encounter. Cheers.