Loyalty to Myself, Loyalty to Something Greater than Myself

Song of the Moment:  All I Have to Do is Dream by Ben Harper

“My loyalty to my party ends where my loyalty to my country begins.”

No, this won’t be an entry about nationalism. Today, I would like to talk about making choices based on loyalties --- to something bigger than yourself versus what you’ve always wanted for yourself. 

My last entry was simply about being afraid. Well, I obviously was. I feared for the impending weekend that will have the entire family away from the world to talk about who we are and what we’ll do in the context of the family business. At the moment, I’m the only one among the four siblings who’s involved in the family business --- but that does not mean I was fully convinced that I wanted to be in the family business forever. In fact, prior to last weekend, I was a bit arrogant and didn’t want to have to do anything with the family business in the future due to creeping sense of incapacitation in my work. I felt that the company was not a conducive place to grow, because I was given a lot of leeway in my work ethics while not being given a lot of freedom in being an empowered future business owner. It was a steady tug-of-war between both that would render me overtly stretched in the middle, pained and confused and unfulfilled.

But it turns out that the issues I had weren’t the real issues that would make me do a 180 degree turn to the other direction. I needed to unearth my then-inactive loyalty to the family. 

A great chunk of my life was dedicated to planning what I wanted to do. When I was young, it was easier to blurt out BHAGs because reality was too far away from happening and there were no tangible “what ifs” and conditions that could prevent me from saying so. A lot of people will argue, “Hey, you are the master of your life. No conditions can faze you.” But come on, people. It’s easier said than done.  For example, when I was a proud little fifth grader in elementary school, I was already convinced that I will finish Management Engineering in Ateneo with flying colors. Years passed, I had to take the ACET and I was ready to realize my dream. And then.. BAM! I didn’t make the cut. So yeah, one BHAG down, and I just had to make do with what I have (but I did finish my course with a distinction anyway, so it was ok nonetheless). Another example, when I was a kid, I told my parents that I would be the Chairman of the Board of Directors of a chain of hotels. With wide eyes even, I’d say that without restraint and then I’d point to EDSA Shangri-La Hotel as if to prove a point. But now, hmmmm... I am in the business of wooden pallets and low-cost housing, and all I can say is, “Well, pwede na rin.”

The point is, I always wanted to do things that I could take pride in as my own doing. I always wanted to do things ON MY OWN. Who wouldn’t want to be recognized for a successful project? Who wouldn’t want to be called a self-made woman? But on top of that, I wanted the recognition for success fast. I wanted it NOW. I couldn’t wait to be that banking client who can make bank managers tremble with my sizeable bank account. Or that I would be that person people would talk about during the batch reunion, and they’d wonder how I got to where I am so quickly. As such, I’d get so frustrated when I feel like I’m not learning much, structurally-speaking --- that I seem to have taken the wrong detour to being my own person. Hence, I began to hate myself for making so many mistakes, and I felt very mediocre and unproductive. 

But rambling aside, I’ve been short-sighted all this time. I’ve only been wanting things for myself, imagining myself in a position of greatness. It was all me, me, me, without consideration for how the success of the organization I am involved in will ultimately be my success as well. I cannot be successful as a person alone... I have to be successful in the context of an organization that breathes with me. That’s just the way things are. 

As a last note, I’d like to add that what I can consider my success will only make sense on my deathbed if it’s going to be my happiness as well.  But that’s a different blog entry all together.

Okay, time to work for the family business. Nice and slow.

 

PS: I wrote this last 04 July 2008. It's been a while.

Erratum SIX Years Delayed!

Song of the Moment: Apologize by OneRepublic (featuring Timbaland)

For some reason, I found myself looking through my HIGHSCHOOL yearbook this evening and just discovered that we overlooked a typographical error on the book cover! Gaaaah! Why didn’t we notice that at all?

“Makeovers that Didn’t Require the Kit, Just the Fun of YOUR Years.”

YOUR should be FOUR (referring to FOUR years in high school), just in case you also missed that and didn’t twitch at the sight of that phrase.

Have you ever had a boo-boo from years ago that you just recently realized? Perhaps you suddenly understood why those words you said were hurtful. Perhaps you suddenly realized that what you did caused so much pain. Perhaps your eyes were opened to reckless, fun things you used to do but now they just seem juvenile and uncool. Would you apologize?

*Cue Apologize by OneRepublic* (Sorry just had to. Hehehe.)

But seriously, I think I would. I would apologize. I apologize. I think an apology, or anything for that matter, is better said late than brought to the grave and never resolved.

The Thin Line Between Recklessness and Embracing Life

Song of the Moment: Remember to Breathe by Dashboard Confessional

Yesterday, I was made to sit through over two hours of grueling film, as I watched the highly acclaimed movie “Into the Wild” --- written and directed by Sean Penn. The motion picture garnered two Oscar nominations, Best Achievement in Editing and Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role, among other notable nominations and distinctions across award-giving bodies in the international film industry. I loosely categorize it as an indie film, but that will depend on your judgment. The story goes this way:

Alex, a young man fresh from Emory College, decides to just leave the material society behind to go on a journey into Alaska's wilderness. He meets many curious characters along the way, and somehow, he manages to leave an indelible mark on each one in the same manner that he learns from each one. He made his own rules, followed where the wind would take him, and just stripped down his lifestyle to the very basics.

Obviously, it would have been a different story all together if a girl played the lead. I can’t even begin to imagine doing what he did. There were points during the movie that made me shake my head and say, “That’s just reckless.” But the very core of the story lies in the adventurous, free spirited footsteps of someone on a quest towards a spiritual revolution, abandoning all the dangerous pretenses of the world and embracing the basic truth of being.

For me, the question I'd like to ask here is, “How can we differentiate a reckless decision from an act of embracing life?” We live in a society that has long perfected traditions, written laws, infrastructures and technology that all exist to help us go through life with a comforting sense of order and safety. We say to ourselves, “Things will go as smooth as I intended, as long as I have X.” X could stand for a degree in college, work experience and wisdom that comes with age. X could stand for money, power and influence. X could stand for a new law, a new government system and political reforms. X could stand for the newest laptop model, a state-of-the-art PDA and the new hybrid vehicle. But admittedly, X is a by-product of the unceasing evolution of Man and consequently, his changing needs. Perhaps in his earliest experiences, there were no X's to begin with. And yet he seemed to have lived as he felt he should and was satisfied. That was sufficient.

So what is reckless then? And what do we mean when we say we should truly embrace life? Try categorizing each one below, and find out what forces are ultimately controlling (or conflicting in) your life.

1. Committing to a pure love with no regard for financial stability, age qualification, parental consent and social divide

2. Choosing a college degree or a job that you love but will guarantee a lifelong struggle for survival

3. Not finishing your education to pursue your dreams

4. Fighting for a cause, even if it means endangering your own family's welfare

5. Dying for a country based on principles alone

6. Rallying behind truth and justice, even if the rest of the world would rather remain with the convenient status quo

7. Choosing the road less traveled that is against the norms driven by your gender, race, religion, social class, etc.

We have a personal choice to make every day... of either being secured by society's progressive values system or being empowered by a strong inner voice. There aren't necessarily any correct answers, nor are there single answers to every question we ask. All we have are differing perspectives in pursuit of different aspirations, within an entire lifetime of balancing acts.

The Quest to Be Interesting

Song of the Moment: Sparkle Me by The Buffseeds

She's an introvert, perennial home buddy, nicey-nice, bring-home-to-your-mama girly girl. Nothing wrong with that, right?

Most days, she'd rather stay home, fix herself a gourmet sandwich and read a good book or watch DVDs. She does a lot of lurking around the Internet from the comfort of her room - drooling over her future Macbook, for instance, or browsing through people's photos on social networks. She is a lover of the peace and the quiet. So, if you'd make her choose, she'd immediately prefer coffee/wine conversations over a club crawl. She doesn't find those fitness dance classes as effective and rewarding as working out/running alone. She feels uncomfortable doing her shopping with another person because she doesn't want anyone slowing her down or hearing someone else's opinion on her fashion sense. However, she still believes she's living a good lie.. errr, life. She absolutely loves to travel, preferably on her own and with a sizeable pocket money. She truly enjoys long drives when she's on the wheel; it's absurdly therapeutic for her. She gets all giddy when she just discovered a new restaurant/movie/music artist or she's about to try out a new cultural/historical activity. And she makes time to hang out and go a bit crazy with the girlfriends, even though she's already in a really serious relationship. Bottomline, I'd like to think that, in spite of her being perceived by the public as a quiet good girl, she still comes out pretty interesting over all.

And then someone says, "The Good Girls don't make the headlines." I thought about that and I tried recalling if there are honest-to-goodness nice girls out there who really got everyone's attention. So it hit me, the good girls who reach the headlines are either dead or are suddenly not-so-nice-after-all (read: as in the selling genius of Girls Gone Wild). Not fair. Why can't good girls be interesting too?

Or perhaps, the nice girl just doesn't know how to sell herself, in fear of rudely stealing the spotlight from someone else. "What's up with you, nice girl? Who else can give you a spotlight except yourself?" I guess it really has something to do with how much she puts out there in order to be noticed... and eventually, remembered. (aside: This sounds like high school all over again. Oh well!)

She has this dilemma about group conversations; she's not a "butt in" person. If you see her with a group, she's probably the token quiet person in the whole table. She has all these ideas in her pretty 'lil head, what with the myriad of blogs and websites she visits. But she just cannot seem to find the rhythm in a group conversation --- that is, knowing when she can make the perfect punchline. I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that in the family dinner table, she was taught NOT to interrupt... so she'd wait.. and wait.. and wait... until the perfect timing has gone by. There's nothing really wrong with respecting someone else's speaking time, but I wish she knew how to speak more and to stop over-listening. Gasp! There's such a thing as excessive listening!
Ok, so I'm the nice girl who wants to be interesting, but still comes out pretty boring as I'm the quiet one in a group because I persistently respect other people's space. With that said, I'd like to officially embark on a Quest to Be Interesting here. So....

I resolve to say anything and everything I feel like saying, and catch that perfect timing.

I resolve to just jump, and let the net appear.

I resolve to read and read, and share and share.

I resolve to imagine things in my head and act them out like I'm in a play.

I resolve to be interesting.

Good girls can make the headlines too. Just you wait. But, someday I'm just going to look back at this post and say to myself, "Man, was that really necessary?"