Song of the Moment: Breakdown by Deerheart
6:45am. I woke up this morning just in time to watch a good friend being featured on Umagang Kay Ganda’s Valentine Episode. My friend has been with his girlfriend for 5-6 years. She now works in Shanghai, while he works in Manila. They both fly in and out of Manila frequently just to be with each other. One day, she flies in from Shanghai and noticed something unusual. Huge signs were plastered all over NAIA 1, with messages of endearment for someone. “I don’t know most of you, but I know someone on this plane...” A long red ribbon followed the passengers’ path from the airplane tube to immigration. “...I can’t wait to be with her for the rest of my life.” She thought nothing of this of course, until after she crossed immigration. A line of airport staff greeted her with huge, knowing smiles, and she was just puzzled. The human barricade parted in the middle to reveal my good friend, on one knee, carrying a small box and a dazzling engagement ring. “Will you marry me?” Yes. He had to propose in the most ostentatious way he knew. And there is no way anyone could say no to that.
10:30am. I was working on some materials for our company’s job openings, when my dad starts opening up to me. He starts explaining to me, that if E and I are very serious about our relationship, then it is very important for us to really sit down and talk about who we really are, what annoys us, what makes us happy, what our dreams are and how we’ll get there together without compromising our individuality. I appreciate it when my dad talks to me about these things, so I listened intently. But at the end, he wasn’t just giving parental advice to her “last daughter” but more so, he wanted to air out all his frustrations and thoughts on surviving a 30-year marriage. As I listened to his stories, I began to realize more and more how much effort is involved in marriage. Ambition. Competition. Self-Interest. Selflessness. Communication. Silence. Fears. Joy. Heartbreak. Bliss. Anger. Regret. Commitment. Loneliness. Conflict. Love. Money. Love and Money. Faith. Appreciation. Gratitude. Understanding. Acceptance. His final statement was, “At the end of the day, you just have to learn to accept things you can never change.”
Today, I was moved by two stories of love. One is just beginning a life of love, and the other is already counting lessons from decades of choosing to love. So today, I’m acknowledging two inclinations. There’s a part of me that’s excited about starting a new life with another; there’s also a part of me that cautions about the kind of commitment marriage involves.
Admittedly, just like any other girl in her mid-20s, I do get a bit jealous every time I hear about another batch mate getting engaged or married. And mind you, they’re a LOT. I can’t help but feel that I've been outdone. Perhaps this discomfort has something to do with having a distorted concept of competitive maturity. That maybe I’ve led myself to believe that I’m supposed to mature faster than they could. But really, how can I possibly gauge something as abstract as maturity?
On the other hand, every time I listen to my dad speak about his marriage to my mom, I always end up thinking about what his experiences might mean to me. When he speaks about marital conflicts that can’t seem to be resolved, I no longer feel pain over the reality that my parents, after all these years, may not be compatible after all. If I were in my teens and my dad told me all these things, I’d probably jump off the next window I could find. But this time, it’s different. Instead of feeling resentment, I end up respecting my dad and my mom even more. They’re human, like you and me. And their love was never perfect. Their love was never blissful. But it was love nonetheless. And it has lasted through decades of friction and harmony. We, young lovers, may complain about the littlest things, argue about the most petty issues. But here’s a couple that has lasted through years of deep misunderstanding with wounds that are just too deep to heal. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult that is.
In four days, the world will find an excuse to celebrate love. Love is an overused theme indeed, but it is one of the most elusive topics known to man. We always ask what true love means. Is it defined by the level of grandeur, as in declaring one’s love in public? Or is it best manifested in a silent sense of comfort and understanding? Does it have an age requirement, a +5/-2 age compatibility? Does it have a religious undertone, that one has to be of the same faith? Does it have a gender preference, or can we ever accept two women who claim they are in love? Can one claim to be truly in love after just a few weeks of companionship? Or is there a specific time period for one to truly be ready to love the other completely? Can we ever learn to love strong enough to last a lifetime? I don’t know the correct answers to these questions. There are no correct answers, just as much as there are no wrong ones. As far as I know, you just love. In the best way you know how.
Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.
By the way, here’s “Breakdown” by Deerheart, one of the saddest songs I know. It talks about people who may love each other now but change over time:
That's when I needed you. You needed me.
I kissed you. You kissed me.
And thought, forever, yeah, we'd always be.
Well I like you. You like me.
Seems that we fit so perfectly.
You make me feel worthy.
And I've let you take care of me.
(Chorus)
Ohhh.
Were alright now,
Gonna break down the breakdown.
Move from where we stand,
See what we don't want to see.
I love you. You love me.
Oh but lately, something’s wearing on me.
I've been growing.
I've been changing.
And seems like you're barely moving.
(Chorus)
There is nothing we can do to get past this.
Nothing you could say.
Baby please don't fret.
Our time has moved passed us.
I love you.
You love me.
Is it possible we love differently?
You need me, but I need to
Feel strong, baby, without you.
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