Song of the Moment: Into Dust by Mazzy Star
The last 24 hours of my life did not turn out as how it has always been hyped up to be. I didn’t end up in the confessional, pouring out all my sins to a confused priest who would gladly call in psychiatric help. I didn’t end up panicking over where my money will go, or to whom the few assets that I have will be transferred to. I didn’t end up in some brothel, doing all sorts of provocative and immoral sexual acts with a group of willing strangers. I didn’t end up hastily marrying the man I love ala A Walk to Remember (although it was tempting). I didn’t end up gathering all my family and friends for one last cinematic meal of tears and unguarded words and wishful thinking out loud. I just died and lived to the last second of my life. And I was extremely happy dying so.
I needed to contemplate death to discover how it is to truly live. That’s the greatest irony of my week. When you have 24 hours left to live, you no longer recognize any structural societal norms in every decision you make. You just decide purely out of your own will and you let that moment be conquered with such an easy hole-in-one swing. I just took it one second at a time, enjoying my last embrace with life, not necessarily doing anything spectacularly different but I was genuinely happy the entire time. There was no room for morbidity or remorse. There was only freedom from pretension and guilt. Those skeletons broke loose from within my closet without fear of judgment or controversy. The *coughs* I’ve always wanted to say to people flowed out of my mouth without tension over an anticipated response. Beauty became introspective. Money became immaterial. Love became an all encompassing energy. And fear became obsolete.
Some people might look at this essay and say, “Bah! Humbug! That’s recklessness.” But if you have 24 hours left to live and you know deep within your heart that there are things that have to be done… then Bah Humbug! Frustrate all the critics! You’ll be dead by the time they say a single word of disapproval! (Besides, for all you know, you have just one strong critic: yourself.)
You know what to do already, so stop pretending that you’re confused and that you don’t know the next step. Listen to yourself because you have a better judgment than you’re giving yourself credit for. Do it as if you do not have the luxury of time, and delight on every second you have. Stop fixating on a yesterday that can no longer be changed, and stop anticipating a tomorrow that is nothing but speculation.
Now that’s how it is to truly live. As if Death is just a few hours away.
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This is just one of the many results of attending "Tapping the Creative Universe," a workshop by Jim Paredes. I highly recommend it to anyone who finds herself in a state of inertia --- that is, as how Jim would put it, "stuck in between careers, dreams, loves, or can't even seem to identify the source of the gridlock in her life." The next workshop run in the Philippines hasn't been announced yet, but when you get the chance to sign up for this class, go go GO! The money you'll spend will amount to nothing, compared to the experience you will get in return.
