A Philosophical Moment with Multiply

Song of the Moment: My Sundown by Jimmy Eat World

Click the photo to enlarge.

VERIFY YOU ARE HUMAN. There's been a lot of activity on your account, which appears to be automated. This sort of thing isn't allowed on Multiply, which is intended for humans to share lives with their human friends. Please enter the code below to verify your humanity.

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There. Am I human enough now?

Don't we all engage in a lot of activities that are short of "automated"? We wake up every morning with chronic fatigue, as we expect yet another routinary day. We look for patterns in our loved ones and "troubleshoot the relationship" when patterns are violated. We'd rather search for formats in our work rather than create a new way of doing things because we want our work done conveniently, without shattering the no-one-has-actually-established-as-infallible status quo. We gravitate towards the same people we've always been comfortable with even though we know they're sucking the life out of us, because a change of scenery translates to being uncomfortably spontaneous. We are scared of change; we abhor unpredictability. But I'd agree with Mr. Multiply when he says: "These [automated] activities are not allowed... [where it is] intended for humans to share their lives with human friends." You and I are human, and the truth is, no aspect of our life is and should ever be predictable or static. We will find the best version of ourselves when we face the strong winds of change, and be blown away in a graceful dance towards the heavens (as opposed to hanging on to dear life in fear). At the end of the day, there is no point in toiling and worrying about life. There are no trophies in heaven. There are no Forbes rankings in the afterlife. There are no Ms. Universe pageants at the end of our mortal lives. But rather, in heaven, I strongly believe that there are only memories of an old life to be relived and recalled again and again.

I don't agree with you, Mr. Multiply, when you asked us to plug in that code. I believe that there is no simplified code that can verify my humanity. In real life, we turn to picture perfect people in magazines and aspire to be like them. There's nothing remotely wrong with having role models; but to obsess over the aspiration of being "them" and losing one's self in the process is a different story. There is no how-to book in being a human. Being a human just entails being. And in the purest sense, being human is just all about letting the you come out without having to listen to what other people have to say.

So, thank you, Mr. Multiply, for that brief unintended philosophical encounter. Cheers.

Death by Brutal Suicide: August 13, 2007

Song of the Moment: Into Dust by Mazzy Star

The last 24 hours of my life did not turn out as how it has always been hyped up to be. I didn’t end up in the confessional, pouring out all my sins to a confused priest who would gladly call in psychiatric help. I didn’t end up panicking over where my money will go, or to whom the few assets that I have will be transferred to. I didn’t end up in some brothel, doing all sorts of provocative and immoral sexual acts with a group of willing strangers. I didn’t end up hastily marrying the man I love ala A Walk to Remember (although it was tempting). I didn’t end up gathering all my family and friends for one last cinematic meal of tears and unguarded words and wishful thinking out loud. I just died and lived to the last second of my life. And I was extremely happy dying so.

I needed to contemplate death to discover how it is to truly live. That’s the greatest irony of my week. When you have 24 hours left to live, you no longer recognize any structural societal norms in every decision you make. You just decide purely out of your own will and you let that moment be conquered with such an easy hole-in-one swing. I just took it one second at a time, enjoying my last embrace with life, not necessarily doing anything spectacularly different but I was genuinely happy the entire time. There was no room for morbidity or remorse. There was only freedom from pretension and guilt. Those skeletons broke loose from within my closet without fear of judgment or controversy. The *coughs* I’ve always wanted to say to people flowed out of my mouth without tension over an anticipated response. Beauty became introspective. Money became immaterial. Love became an all encompassing energy. And fear became obsolete.

Some people might look at this essay and say, “Bah! Humbug! That’s recklessness.” But if you have 24 hours left to live and you know deep within your heart that there are things that have to be done… then Bah Humbug! Frustrate all the critics! You’ll be dead by the time they say a single word of disapproval! (Besides, for all you know, you have just one strong critic: yourself.)

You know what to do already, so stop pretending that you’re confused and that you don’t know the next step. Listen to yourself because you have a better judgment than you’re giving yourself credit for. Do it as if you do not have the luxury of time, and delight on every second you have. Stop fixating on a yesterday that can no longer be changed, and stop anticipating a tomorrow that is nothing but speculation.

Now that’s how it is to truly live. As if Death is just a few hours away.

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This is just one of the many results of attending "Tapping the Creative Universe," a workshop by Jim Paredes. I highly recommend it to anyone who finds herself in a state of inertia --- that is, as how Jim would put it, "stuck in between careers, dreams, loves, or can't even seem to identify the source of the gridlock in her life." The next workshop run in the Philippines hasn't been announced yet, but when you get the chance to sign up for this class, go go GO! The money you'll spend will amount to nothing, compared to the experience you will get in return.

Random. Very. Random.

Song of the Moment: Sick Sad Little World by Incubus

I'll be out of touch for a couple of days, as I go through a self-imposed media deprivation. (Long story. Or not. Hmm, just don't feel like sharing about it now) So, I decided to write this entry. Uhm, I can't vouch for the causality of the first sentence with the second (don't count the aside!). Geez. I can't quite place it, but I have a feeling those two have something to do with each other.

So here are my random thoughts. Again, very random stuff that popped out of my head, in a span of an hour during a typical day (TODAY, just in case you're curious). No, they don't point to any grand ideas or philosophical realizations. No, I'm not writing this in a pathetic attempt to "communicate" with someone I've been struggling with. (You're so vain. You think this entry's about you!) No, I am not high on anything right now. I just feel like it. Basta.

PS: I found out I think in English. Tsk tsk.

1. They actually prayed for the rain to come at the end of the mass today. In an organized manner. They made us kneel and all. This drought's really serious.

2. When foot soldiers are in the middle of battle and they're taking strict commands from their superiors, do they have free will?

3. Why don't they have fast food joints in Greenbelt? Some place where the service is fast enough that we can actually "enjoy" our food without have to be late for our movie?

4. I wish I could be more materialistic and stop depriving myself of gadgets or clothes I can ACTUALLY afford! (NO! FOOD does not count.)

5. I want to speak out all the time. But I clam up the last minute. Nakakainis. All those years of leadership (heck, even commanding an entire batch every freakin' morning of my senior year) meant nothing to me now. Damn you, corporate world. I lost my empowerment in a 6-month stint.

6. Why can't I just win the lottery? I've spent P20 already. Wait. That's not much.

7. Be assertive. Be a meanie. Be assertive. Be a meanie. Be assertive. Hoy. Kaya nga sabi Just Anger eh!

8. Over dinner. "Go to your room"' would be typical. Try, "Get me out of my room!"

9. I don't have a specific fashion sense. I can go from booted up with a micro mini at night, and a loose tshirt + jeans the next day. Whyy?

10. Someone push the red button to eject me from this rut! I want to live in the 15th century or something.

11. I'm scattered all over the place. I'm damn happy. But that's only because I don't give a damn. The minute I start thinking about it, all hell breaks loose. It's a daily cycle, I tell you.

12. Why can't I just get my act together and move my ass? Well, actually I am, but why are things taking soooo long!? Grrr.

13. Number 13. It's someone's favorite number. Someone who happens to be incredibly lucky. Things are not always what they seem.

14. Why do people have to work again? *Ditzy Moment* Oh yeah. I have to eat and stuff.

15. I'm so hard on myself. But I think it has something to do with the fact that I haven't heard a good criticism about my work in so long. I got spoiled all these years, sheesh. Come on, bosses, show a little love and encouragement.

I Met a Stranger.

Someone who knew me since childhood goes up to me and says, "I remember you were..." Like this. And like that. And so much more.

That person she talked about is a stranger now. I don't know that girl anymore. In fact, hearing about her comes to me with a shock... an uncomfortable realization of sorts that she indeed bears the same name as mine.

Hmm.

And then it gets more complicated. It hits me:

You know you're in for one hell of an internal battle when there are some changes you'd rather not go through, but then those are consequences of other changes you cannot live without.

dare you to move...

There is a certain air of sentimentality that whispers in the wind, as if rushing in on queue at the unfolding of a new year. It's really quite a wonder that I've read at least ten posts over Multiply or on various blogs proclaiming both a mellow recall of the fading year and an optimistic gaze towards the year now anticipated with revelry. I view it more as an internal changing of the guard, immensely traditional but nevertheless emotional. We are captivated by such a majestic limbo, as all of us are spectators in the momentary transition, torn between holding on to the past and embracing a new chapter.

It's really difficult to piece together the sorrowful tears, the jubilant smiles, the sleepless fears and the liberating mornings that was the Year 2006. I only have myself to boast as the completion of another year's puzzle --- a masterpiece of sorts, changed for the better. I pray that the erratic spur of events from last year can present to this year a more able, more fearless, more grateful and more lighthearted me.

As always, this year will be difficult and different and promising. And I'd love to bask in that three-fold truth. I offer a quiet prayer for my family and friends and well, for each and every one of us that we may all see more promise than fear, hold on to hope rather than wallow in darkness, aspire for great things rather than settle for the mediocre, and love unconditionally rather than be fixated on the evils of the world.

Now, enough with the talking, I better start moving. It's not called a beginning if there's no follow through.

Happy New Year, everyone! Thank you for all the memories, and I am looking forward to more this year.